"I have Courageous rented and will watch it tonight."
Did you?
I did. I cried and felt very humbled. I don't know what to do with all this except what you talked about... focus on HIM not US. No more focus on me.
It was an uplifting movie... but I found the message more daunting. These men had the support and love of their wives. Like you said, though... my W won't come back if I'm not strong enough to lead my son through this.
Thank you for suggesting this movie sofaraway. Please know that I want to do what it takes if it means I can be a man my W would want to come back to and love. I can be like these men that actively lead their families everyday. I want to learn how and I know I can do it.
Hi HP, Leave the wives out of it. Regardless of being married or not these men understood how to lead their children, how to be the example of right and wrong, and how to lead their families regardless of bad things happening.
The point for you in this movie was the leadership as a father and the goal of setting the bar for your children that they will reach to. It should help you to understand the way that you should be leading S12 through this tough period. I'm glad you took my other post correctly, this all ties in together.
This is painful my friend, but it will get better.
The short answer is tell her nothing, and discuss nothing.
Support her ability to be a good parent to your son, and stop there.
Here's the longer answer:
We use "love" to express a wide range of emotions. We love ice cream, we love dogs, we love our kids, we love our spouse. Each of those "loves" is different right?
When people "fall in love", here's what happens:
Intrusive thinking (you can't stop thinking about the object of your affection) Uncertainty about the relationship which leads to heartache Buoyancy, as if walking on air, when there is reciprocation An acute sensitivity to any acts or thoughts that could be interpreted favorably ("He wore that because he knew I would like it") A total inability to be interested in more than one person at a time All other concerns fall into the background A remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the beloved and avoid dwelling on the negative -- even to respond with a compassion for negative qualities and turn them into another positive attribute Despite all the potential for pain, the feeling that love is supremely delightful and what makes life worth living
This is taken from the book ILYBINILWY and is based on a study by Tennov
People everywhere experience almost exactly these same feelings, and it is completely intoxicating.
It's a drug. Tennov coined a term for it called "Limerence" and you can Google for that.
When people are in this phase, they are obsessed to the point that not much else matters. They lack the ability to make rational decisions, or to have compassion for those outside of their fixation.
That is why nothing you say is going to matter right now. She's just not able to hear it. There are chemicals at work in her brain that limit her ability to hear you, and that is a scientific reality.
If you shame her, scold her, threaten her, etc., you threaten her wonderful feelings and she will resent you for it. This will make her feel badly and she will seek comfort in OM which will deepen their bond.
The book talks about two more kinds of love, "Loving Attachment" and "Affectionate Regard". Loving Attachment is what you would find in a healthy marriage -- not Limerence, and that's why a long term marriage pales in comparison to "affair love". That said, Loving Attachment is very nice, it means both partners are invested in the marriage.
"Affectionate Regard" is what people also call "unconditional love". You can feel this for anyone, and it need not be reciprocated. It does not bring attachment with it.
What often happens is that the marriage slips from Loving Attachment to Affectionate Regard slowly over time, and one person is eventually tempted by feelings of Limerence.
So what can you do?
In a normal dating scenario, Limerence will last from three to five years. In an affair scenario which is usually much more based in fantasy with less of a real foundation, it will typically last from 6 months up to 3 years.
The only way to shorten that time is for the partners to be totally and completely separated with no further contact. This is recommended in all "affair recovery" prescriptions. Any future contact is likely to trigger limerence to kick in again, however, if it is interrupted in this way.
Of course to cut it off completely one of the partners needs to be motivated to end it, and then both will go through a painful grieving process for several months, during which time they're likely to be meaner to you than ever!
So what do you do?
You need to gut-check: are you willing to wait this out for up to a few years?
If so, you need to focus on avoiding things that will *create resentment*. The harder you make it on her now, the more difficult it will be for her to come back to you later.
If you leave a job and your boss shakes your hand and you leave on good terms, it's pretty easy to consider going back there later. If you leave a job and the boss swears at you, berates you, and threatens you, there's usually no way in hell you're going to consider going back there, you're going to look to find a new job instead.
That's the model. If you want a chance to reconcile later, you need to keep the path home paved and smooth, which is to say that you do not do or say things that will increase resentment. You just let her be, and you do your own thing.
This is brutal, because she is really severely wronging you, and there is no way for you to be heard, to get compassion, or to get the things you feel you're owed at a very fundamental level, but that's just the way it is.
The two of them are in a castle with a big wall around it, and there is no way in until the walls start to crumble, which inevitably will happen on it's own time.
Acc
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
What a brilliant description. It is amazing that although we class love as a feeling in actual fact it is a science. Chemicals released into the brain that cause you to feel and act a certain way and we're all the same because we're all human. Im glad a I found this as its comforting to know that I can not do anything about my wife's affair. This is just cold hard science as much as we like to believe love is something else.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
Hello sandi and SRD. Yes this post Limerence was very interesting. Helpful in understanding W's actions. Also very helpful in how I must stop shaming and guilting her.
I like the parallel to leaving a job. Right now she feels I hate her and I've been reinforcing that and increasing her resentment. She even said in our last R talk... "How would you feel if I just jumped back into our M and into your bed again?" Yes we've both shown enough resentment and ugliness and weakness to make that impossible. I have to be the one to change. This post was a very clear description of where I've been going wrong so far.
So I'm recommitting again to being as compassionate and respectful as I can to W this week.
And GAL.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
You've had a lot going on! I was busy and am just catching up.
I think you will find if you can be business friendly with your W. It feels better all around. Your son will be the biggest winner because all he wants to see is the two people he loves most in this world get alone.
I shared this yesterday on my FB page
I forgive people but that doesn't mean I accept their behavior or trust them. I forgive them for me, so I can LET GO and MOVE on with my life.
This is from Lessons learned in Life.
I agree with the other posters. Discontinue communication when it crosses boundaries into disrespectful behavior. Continue to communicate with your wife. Don't ignore her. You will be connected by your son and future Grandchildren. Who knows what the future holds. Be the shining light of example for your son.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Thanks for the post, it made me feel better too. I see the same thing with W, supposedly the R is over and the little I see, I see she is trying to re-establish contact as much as possible with him. I need to be patient and let this phase pass.
The post helped out my thoughts of whether she will get out of this that she's in and gave me a little more hope in my sitch. Not that she'll come back, but it helps me cross over the fact that I need to do everything possible to be angry or resentful.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
