The more I thought about everything, especially trying to really understand all the things my wife told me, I see the indifference between her and me that we are dragging around for over a year now, I did NOT understand her well enough. It sounds as if she wanted you to be who she believed you to be, before. From your own words, You either got depressed and or felt directionless and it showed.
I read somewhere that "90% of 'depression' is feeling purposeless. Finding meaning & direction in your life will cure most of it." Sorry I can't recall the author of that quote but it resonates with me at the moment.
Does it ring true for you? Do you think perhaps you lost your focus, your sense of direction, and that depressed you - which worsened all of these^^ things? A vicious cycle, really.
No matter what your wife does or says, you need to re-direct yourself and you will benefit from that. Agreed?
It doesn't matter right now anymore since I have to focus on myself but the reconciliation scenario is more distant than it ever was.
I see now what a huge marathon this is going to be.
1) YES you must focus on yourself and getting back on track. Don't refuse your w's support in that endeavor ( if you need her for citizenship purposes).
2) Marathon? For someone wanting a lifetime commitment to work, is a year really too long? It's not a year in jail; it's a year of personal/professional growth for you.
I'd say a good year of her seeing you on track, being upbeat and PASSIONATE about what you are doing, will go a long way towards your future - and her view of you.
She is infatuated with a man who has finished a lot of schooling, passed tough tests, endured an internship and residency (unless he's in it now, which I doubt) and she sees him as intense, passionate about his work, finding/giving meaning to the work and in her eyes, that contrasted with what you were doing.
From your words, it was a contrast. But that can change. Sounds as if you want to. So let the growth begin.
As a doctor's wife, let me tell you a few things he has going against him, okay?
The prestige and value of his work is attractive, until it's the only thing anyone ever asks about. I was rarely asked about the type of law I practiced, OR how our children were,
but instead was asked about what MY HUSBAND was working on then/next and where "we" were headed next, for HIS career of course.
After awhile, that gets really old.
Raising our kids mostly by myself also got old really fast too. Our son was 8 weeks old when h began medical school
(H had been a DVM before, so he was in school to be an "animal doctor" when we married). It was extremely hard, but we had been married some years before so there was already a bond between us. And then there was our son as well.
Anyhow, H worked long hours for several years, and he never ever had "normal' or predictable hours. That's exhausting for a spouse, let alone with a child (or 3 kids).
H worked or was on call (and thus, was absent) for 9 Thanksgivings in a row. Our children barely knew it was a holiday. Luckily they were small - but that meant I was a single parent on those "family" holidays. There were also many Christmas Eves and New Years Eve or Day that I was on my own, or had a h asleep in bed after working 36 hours in a row.
Yeah, 9 Thanksgivings in a row...The money wasn't great or even very good, until all of the training was over.
That's many years of not having money or much of it. And then most doctors face a mountain of debt when they finally finish it all. Not fun.
So Just as they reach for the "Brass ring" (that is an idiom that means they finally "won the prize")
they still have a lot of debt and long LONG hours and more responsibility too...but the pay jumps. Their prestige jumps. Their egos can too.
Not sure if OM was married or has an ex wife, (does he?)
I wonder how your wife will feel about him when he's working so often, for such long hours, and it doesn't improve anytime soon...
And when he's tired after work, (and trust me, he will be) how FUN and attentive will he be then? The OM isn't the issue, but what attracts her to him, might be.
His drive and sense of purpose are the same traits you have within, but which have been hiding. Get those out of hiding.
Show your drive and determination, that you can/do pick yourself up after you fall.
Since you two did fall in love once upon a time, don't worry about the chemistry. That can resurface.
The attractive parts of you have been covered up by the guy you described, in terms that include:
a guy who seems lost and "cries and pleads", a guy who got "depressed and has no direction", and "didn't finish college yet", etc.
Maybe She just didn't want to have to be your cheerleader for life, and or the financier of your stall out.
Complex, Here is some wonderful news. You can change ALL this^^^. It's very doable. You need to do it for yourself, anyway.
Embrace this^^ Complex, welcome it! See it as the opportunity it is, and the kick in the butt you needed. When you see it that way, the PMA will be much easier.
It'll be natural. You can do this. You must do this.
What step can you take THIS WEEK?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
