Hey guys. Deep breath. Not good right now, but I am sure I will bounce back soon.
I did go today with the kids and xh to the movies and out to eat. It was fine. When we got home, the kids were getting ready to go to my moms to finish helping her out. I mentioned to xh that it would be a good time to finish our convo (we discussed this before leaving to movies). He said he was taking the movie back (he and s17 rented last night) and he'd be back in a minute. Then he texted me that he was going, "you know where."
I was devastated. Blown off again... so he could go there. I called him (something I stopped doing over a year ago)to tell him that it was disrespectful to tell me he'd be right back, then call her and make plans. Ugh. Kick in the gut.
So he said we could talk over the phone as he drove there. He refused to do it to my face and he just doesn't get it. He said he needs space, and I told him that's what the convo was about and that we needed to set up arrangements for the kids and everything. He was like, oh so you don't want me coming over anymore? I said that I didn't like how he took the part of the conversation that was had as having space, meaning he just doesn't tell me what he is doing and still coming and going here. That I am uncomfortable with him being totally comfortable sitting in my house, then leaving and being totally comfortable sitting with her at her house.
He says that it is just about the kids now and he does not want to focus on a r with me or her. OK, so now.... I wonder if he is considering going back to her. OMG. I really wonder. I asked him straight out if he has considered it and he just said that he isn't thinking about that with anyone right now. Before he would tell me that there is no way he would ever go back there. Now, with the baby here, EVERYTHING has changed with him. Everything he said he was going to do and say is different. He didn't anticipate how he would really feel about the baby, and I wonder if that changes how he feels about hww.
OK, so I will just focus on the fact that he wants to focus on the kids. I will respect that... even thought that's exactly what I was trying to establish a week ago.
But, yes, the rejection. I feel it's stinging, slicing pain. He regrets all he told me after he left hww.
I feel disrespected that he would run there before she had the baby for "closure" for "plans" about what to do with baby, stuff, etc. Yet, he does not give me the same courtesy. He still has stuff there, and he moved out 2 months ago. His mailing address is still there, too.
I think he is regressing. I wonder if now how much. I wonder if he will go back because of the baby to try to get it right this time or something.
I have got to get this out of my head. But now, here I am.... kids are gone with my car again and I'm here alone. I would have gone with them if I'd known he was going to blow me off. Instead, he is there with his other family.
I know I'm not totally back at square one. I've been through this before, kind of. But I just can't seem to break the cycle. I can't totally get out of this. I just don't know how to find happiness anymore. First, bomb, then nuke. What's this? Operation Baby Drop?
What point will this end? I am so tired of the hurt. I don't get a baby out of this. He thinks it's difficult, but he gets another child to love and to love him.
I keep asking WHY? I hate complaining. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I just don't get why. Like why did I have to beg for a reversal? He would cancel the appointments and I would reschedule them.
I feel sad that he can't be a friend for me. That he can't give me support that I need. The person who was supposed to be there for me the most. He has to go to his baby as I sob. And I understand he has to be there for his baby. I just feel like the bottom barrel. Empty. Like I've got no one. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being pushed aside. I'm tired of not being a priority in anyone's life.
AAAHHHHH! I am so grossed out by how pathetic I sound. I just wish that sometimes he could just be here for me. Not even have to say a word, but know that he would set something aside for once... anything, just to be there for me. But he's not. And he won't. And he doesn't want to be. So why would I want someone who can't and doesn't want to be there for me?
These are the thoughts I have to keep in mind. And maybe someone would be someday. But I can't rely on that. Especially rely on the idea of some non-existent person being there for me. I don't even want to have to rely on the idea of someone being there. I've done OK without anyone for the last year. I mean, I guess OK. I've pulled myself out of some down days. But I guess I am just wishing I didn't have to continue to do that.
OK, this is only a moment. That does make me feel better to think that. But, I have to remind myself that a lot. When will these moments STOP?
I'm so sorry. This is so lame. Pity part is coming to an end. I feel a little better. Crap! I can't wait for the day where I have nothing but positivity and good news! Geesh!
I have got to get out of my own head. I don't know what steps to take anymore, though. I don't know where to go, what to do, how to get there. What happened to me? I was doing better. I feel like I am at a stand-still, just spinning around in circles.
One thing that bothers me is xh will ask me or text me, Are you OK? I hate that. I always say I'm fine. Even when I'm not. BC, what the heck is he going to do? Nothing. Why does he ask? Does it make him feel better?
Well... that's that. This close proximity is too much. I asked him if he was going to get an apartment (he had indicated before, a few times, that he'd be back here after leaving bil- yet I always suggested he get his own place for awhile). He said he would be getting an apartment but staying with bil for awhile to save money. Man, he sure has blown a lot of money the past year.
I doubt he will take the baby to bil, so I guess visits will always be at hww for quite some time.
Not my problem. I've got my own stuff to figure out. Like which direction to step. But I am really scared to step. That realization makes me cry. When did I become such a wimp?! Dang it. I am so frustrated right now.
OK, I've got to stop this rant now. Thank God this is anonymous.
