Ganb8te 4 - Putting on my giraffe ears

[edz]

((Ganb8te))

Dont be sorry, dump away (so to speak) you are right we've all been here.

Sometimes you get hit by emotions from unexpected directions and sometimes they just hurt more. I was the same the other weekend simply because s implied w though I was only happy as she left, w then squashed that idea with an unsolicited text.

It's just part of the emotional roller-coaster and we're human sometimes you just need to have a good scream about it all.

As to hope, nothing wrong with hope make sure somewhere in there though is the knowledge you're going to be better than ok, you're going to be great its only the timeframe and the details that are unclear yet.

As to interaction, well one minute w is texting me like a maniac on weather, tv and who knows what else, being invitied in for coffe, wanting to walk up the shops with s and i when she's picking up or dropping off....then she's cold shouldering me for a week at a time. Mmmm.. it really makes you want to scream at times.

Now I want a G&T but it's 2pm here and I have no G or T for that matter! Got a lime but that doesnt help much

Feel better mate.

[Zelda09]

Hugs, G.

Maybe it's possible to feel unconditional love, acceptance for their decision, all that commitment to change...the desire to leave the door cracked if they want to come back...

And still feel a good strong reserve of "eff it, I deserve more than this s***, and it's up ahead for me." It's what keeps me going lately, that and imagining an equally lost soul or manic pixie dream girl he's looking for, the same miserable dynamic he'll write all over a new relationship bc he's not changing (ever see the movie Take This Waltz? Netflix)... I imagine a life ahead falling in an exciting new love with someone who has some grit, determination and positivism - and suddenly I'm very ok with whomever he might be dreaming of.

It eases some of the hurt and anger anyway. We can all dream of being treated better, not just them. Hugs.

[Ggrass]

Gg - I didn't approach, but I didn't hide either. Actually I instinctively moved into view so he could see me.

Tonight I have no hope.



PS I know you all deal with this regularly so I'm sorry for dumping this here. It's really not a big deal. It just makes me feel like shite tonite. It know it will pass.

So let me fill you in about funeral, I went stood outside. My preference, h always forced me to sit inside.
I offered his mum sympathy who acted as if we had never met, she basically explained her whole family tree to me. Refused to even acknowledge she even knew me.

H sister followed same script but did know me and say hello.
At grave side, I parked where they would have to walk past my car. I stood right where they had to pass by me, I did not say hello again.

I had done the right thing, they could see h story wasn't stacking up.

H story is gg is nutso manic and causing drama. None of that happened.

The no hope is passing phase, it will change when your not so tired. This is where you dump stuff!

[Zelda09]

Ganb8te,

I dug into that NWC stuff on YouTube tonight. Somewhere around 1:30...a yes-saying jackal. 8 years and he snapped example.

Whoaaa...world just suddenly made a lot more sense.

Thanks for the resource.

[gan]

I'm trying to picture holding another person's feet in happy baby...

I have a foot phobia so that just sounds terrifying!

Labug, it was a pretty packed class so when we were in happy baby our feet were really close. So we reached across a little extra and grabbed the next persons feet from the inside (if that makes sense). Yes, Lisa I was wondering about people with foot phobias! Holding a strangers' feet was in odd for me and I don't have a foot phobia. We also did lord of the dance facing each other, taking the other persons hand. That was pretty cool, actually. Very strong and intense holding eye contact with a random stranger.

I've been loving yoga this week. In addition to my vinyasa classes during the week, I've been attending a Yin class on Sundays. I love the contrast and its really helping me feel the depth of the poses. Lately, I feel like my meditation and yoga practice is really converging. Applying some of the meditation skills I've picked up through using Headspace to my shavasanas has been pretty transformational.

(Ha!...Those paragraphs wouldn't have made any sense to me a few months ago).

[gan]

As to hope, nothing wrong with hope make sure somewhere in there though is the knowledge you're going to be better than ok, you're going to be great its only the timeframe and the details that are unclear yet.

Maybe it's possible to feel unconditional love, acceptance for their decision, all that commitment to change...the desire to leave the door cracked if they want to come back… And still feel a good strong reserve of "eff it, I deserve more than this s***, and it's up ahead for me.”

The no hope is passing phase, it will change when your not so tired. This is where you dump stuff!

Thanks Edz, Zelda and Gg, for coming to the rescue. You were all right of course, I feel much better 48hrs later. It’s a good thing there were no kids around as I did spend a bit of Saturday morning muttering swear words at H.…until I decided that wasn’t who I want to be. I think that is what was frustrating me most on Friday night. I don’t want to be angry at H. I do want to love him and be willing to let him go if that makes him truly happy. So when the anger and non-so-nice thoughts about H creep in it makes me feel like the changes I am aiming for aren’t sticking. Like the old me is surfacing.

But the new me is back and I’ll keep carrying on.

Thanks again. Truly.

[gan]

I dug into that NWC stuff on YouTube tonight. Somewhere around 1:30...a yes-saying jackal. 8 years and he snapped example. Whoaaa...world just suddenly made a lot more sense.

Yes, that stood out to me, too. That and the convo where the jackal can’t explain what the giraffe can do in order for him to feel loved. I was asking that exact question pre-BD (and now I’ve read 5LL, I have more to go on).

Actually I’ve been digging in to your Myers Briggs theory a bit lately too and found a few interesting phrases on Thinkers vs Feelers (specifically in relation to the ISTJ/ISFJ type):

ISTJs are truly dedicated partners, willing to devote tremendous thought and energy to ensure stable and mutually satisfying relationships. = yep, that explains my albatross tendency (as my IC calls it)
ISFJs are committed to their relationships. They have very intense feelings, which is not immediately apparent to others because they tend to hold things inside themselves without expressing them = yep, always found H a tough read

The straightforward or frank nature of the Thinking partners may mean their words may be cutting at times, and may hurt the Feeling partners with their directness. When hurt, the Feeling partners do not immediately speak up, but rather keep it within only to have it resurface later on.
ISFJs tend to be very selfless, and to put the needs of others well before their own needs. ... In this kind of situation, the ISFJ might bottle up their feelings inside them, and form strong resentments against others. If their partners are ... openly critical of their ISFJ partners, they will find that, given time and pressure, all of those repressed emotions can burst forth in massive verbal attacks that all the future regret in the world won't blunt. = yes-saying jackal

Thinking partners are not as good with dealing with emotions and showing empathy. When Feeling partners share a problem with Thinking partners, the Thinking partners may react by offering a logical solution only as they are not comfortable dealing with the emotions of others. This reaction may result in the Feeling partners feeling that they have not been heard or understood. = So we *are* the emotional distancers, just like you said the other day. Which is quite eye opening for me as I always focussed on the fact that H (as a Feeler) didn't do well to share his feelings whereas I should have been focussing more on showing empathy. Doh!

So I think we are on the right track with trying to improve our empathetic listening skills and generally learning to be softer in our approach to others. Thanks so much, Zelda, for connecting these things together for me.

[LisaB]

UGH Ganb8te! What odds of running into him and yep there he is! How irritating! I live in fear of this and I've seen OW1 twice now and my heart stops and I want to vomit. I can only image if I saw him or if I saw him and OW. Ugh.

Sorry you had to experience that and get a bad feeling from it. Wish I could have shared a G&T with you and commisserated.

I wonder if he did see you also. Don't you think it is so weird, sad and funny if he did see you and chose not to acknowledge it? On the other hand if he was meeting someone then that would be a "reason" to just let it go and not deal with any awkwardness.

I guess one lesson I can learn from this is that I definitely won't be going to that party with my WAH and OWs!

I hope you are feeling better and it sounds like you are still digging deep so that is excellent!

Hugs, Lisa

[jim0987]

I think i'm going to have to watch that NVC stuff if only for the puppet passive aggressive giraffe.

There is a plus side to H seeing you though and thats that he saw you out volunteering. you were doing good work at something he paid (?) to be at. It shows you moving on and getting on with your life and certainly adds to your mystery.

I like your myers briggs analysis - its the sort of thing i think can really help (I'm an E/INTJ by the way) understand the dynamics

[Little]

UGH Ganb8te! What odds of running into him and yep there he is! How irritating! I live in fear of this and I've seen OW1 twice now and my heart stops and I want to vomit. I can only image if I saw him or if I saw him and OW. Ugh.

I had to go back into the town where BF and I lived. OW's business is right on the corner of the main thorough fare. I was nauseous the entire time I was there. I just sped in and out of town, keeping as far away from the old apartment's location as possible.

I feel you. I'd die if I saw them together.