T0324 continued part 4

[sandi2]

In a lot of strange ways, you describing your H ATM, reminds me of mine. Ugh, men......they seldom do things the way WE would, right? A lot of things that we believe should really be important and bother them, just doesn't..........nope, they shrug it off. I understand how you feel in many things you've said, I really do, even though I have not gone through this same stitch with my H. My H and I are very different and sometimes that can be a challenge I can manage, and sometimes I want to tell him to ram it.

Personally, I don't believe your feelings are unjustified. You are struggling with a lot of issues, and they all seem connected to him. The fact in all of this is that it is so freakin unfair to you! But maybe I am emphathizing too much, IDK. Even as the former WAS, I don't get what he's doing. But maybe that's b/c he has not disclosed everything. Instead of sharing his thoughts and feelings with you and allowing the two of you to work together in this.......he is pulling away and trying to deal with his problems independently from you. (Another thing my H has done all our M.) I readily see how frustrating that could be, b/c that's not your way in dealing with things. It may be his way. Maybe he wants to prove something, IDK. Ignoring things of high importance (like money owed you) makes no sense to you, and turning it loose seems crazy. I understand that very well, also. My H has done the same thing in the past. We think they should should man-up and go get the money, but they apparently think differently. That's what the books say, anyway.

Here is another problem, sweetheart, in case you haven't recognized it. You are losing admiration and respect for the man. I suspect it started before his shenanigans. I
have experienced how difficult it can be to restore, once it's gone. Not impossible but not always easy, especially if the H doesn't make changes in himself. He may never live up to your hopes expectations in a H. He probably won't handle things in the same way as you. You may not see him put work into the MR you believe he needs to do to make it better. Then again, he might get better (with the help of MC) enough you could learn to accept it. Those are the things you must decide if you can live with, or not. Look how far 25 yrs came with her H.

I think the question I had to face, and maybe you will too, is can you accept him for the way he is? Maybe that's not a fair question, and if I were a young woman with small kids I may have to think long and hard about it. As Mozza said, this is now but not necessarily tomorrow. If I understand correctly, 25 yrs did not change her H, but things did get better for her, and in time, so did he.

I read a book many years ago that talked about how important it is to a man to be accepted. I think the number one need was to be admired. Can you believe it? You are just trying to stand the scamp and he wants to be admired! I think for them, the need to be admired, accepted, and appreciated is very intertwined. Not totally hard to understand. Just hard to do a lot of times.

I hope you can hang with it a while longer. I agree, you deserve better. I also believe you are the more matured and stronger of the two of you. It is difficult if the female is considerable stronger than the man b/c most of us want the man to be stronger, or at least equal to us. We make it pretty hard on the guys, if they do not appear to have the inner strength we think they should.

Oh goodness, I am rambling. I don't even know that I have a conclusion to make here. I hope you can hang on a little longer. Get through this week. Just make that your goal for now......to get through this week without making any major decisions. Oh, and it may help not to put ANY pressure on him. See how MC goes this week.

If your H likes the MC ( and you said he does), then I feel there is hope for him yet. It's when they won't even agree to see one that is discouraging. My H would not even cooperate and go with me to see a MC when I was trying desperately to just stay in the M and not leave him. Go figure! His way of thinking was that he had done nothing wrong. Oh well.......sometimes we are smarter, too.