T0324 continued part 4

[Mozza]

T0324. I'm sorry to say, but you come across as controlling. You have lots and lots of expectations about how your H is supposed to behave. He's supposed to follow up on the money a certain way at a certain time, you want to bring up stuff that stress him out, you want him to chit chat with a certain level of engagement and enthusiasm. I'd be very annoyed if my W was trying to have a "breezy" conversation with me while I'm sending clear signals that I don't want to.

Lower your expectations. The way he's acting right now is not the way your H will act for the rest of time. Accept it for what it is: a transition period. I know you think you've given him plenty of time and space, but it's not sufficient. Do you have it in you to give him more?

You're impatient. To me, the best example of patience around here is Vanilla. Follow her thread. She shrugs off a lot worse that your husband is doing to you. Her eyes are on the prize, months away. He's withdrawn today? Doesn't matter. Keep sailing. Remember, or put in your head if it isn't already there, that it's going to take months. I know you've been in this difficult place before and it takes you back, but perhaps you forgot that these things take a long time, with ups and downs. They're not linear: down then up.

The way I'm living right now is no way to live.

To you, perhaps. That's your limit but a lot of people live with much worse situations. Keep in mind that you draw the line: it's not an objective limit that he's crossing.

I want to be married but first and foremost I want to be happy. Right now he doesn't make me happy - he makes me feel stressed, sad, hopeless, etc.

The key words are "right now". You can always decide that "right now" has lasted too long. But "right now" is not "tomorrow". And more importantly, he doesn't make you feel anything: you decide to feel a certain way in reaction to his actions. He's not responsible for your emotions. If you detach, he'll do the exact same thing and you'll feel completely differently.

I just am having a hard time dealing with the way he's acting. I know it's supposed to be for better or worse and from this day forward which I am doing but geez can he at least act like he likes me instead of feeling so forced.

Perhaps it's because he doesn't like you much right now? Are you capable of accepting that and giving him the time and space to find his way back?

I don't know if you've discussed this before, but have you ever fallen out of love? Or perhaps had a suitor that didn't catch your fancy? If so, try to tap into these memories to understand how your H feels. You may feel entitled to his love because you're married, but emotions are stronger than paper. He can't fake it because he owes it to you. Imagine someone you don't love coming to you and saying: "You can love me if you choose to. Let me show you the way and we'll do the work." Ew. Once he falls back in love with you, you can have a discussion with him about how to sustain it.

What are you doing to make him fall back in love with you?