Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[HPoirot]

Excellent post...

This is painful my friend, but it will get better.

The short answer is tell her nothing, and discuss nothing.

Support her ability to be a good parent to your son, and stop there.

Here's the longer answer:

We use "love" to express a wide range of emotions. We love ice cream, we love dogs, we love our kids, we love our spouse. Each of those "loves" is different right?

When people "fall in love", here's what happens:

Intrusive thinking (you can't stop thinking about the object of your affection)
Uncertainty about the relationship which leads to heartache
Buoyancy, as if walking on air, when there is reciprocation
An acute sensitivity to any acts or thoughts that could be interpreted favorably ("He wore that because he knew I would like it")
A total inability to be interested in more than one person at a time
All other concerns fall into the background
A remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the beloved and avoid dwelling on the negative -- even to respond with a compassion for negative qualities and turn them into another positive attribute
Despite all the potential for pain, the feeling that love is supremely delightful and what makes life worth living


This is taken from the book ILYBINILWY and is based on a study by Tennov

People everywhere experience almost exactly these same feelings, and it is completely intoxicating.

It's a drug. Tennov coined a term for it called "Limerence" and you can Google for that.

When people are in this phase, they are obsessed to the point that not much else matters. They lack the ability to make rational decisions, or to have compassion for those outside of their fixation.

That is why nothing you say is going to matter right now. She's just not able to hear it. There are chemicals at work in her brain that limit her ability to hear you, and that is a scientific reality.

If you shame her, scold her, threaten her, etc., you threaten her wonderful feelings and she will resent you for it. This will make her feel badly and she will seek comfort in OM which will deepen their bond.

The book talks about two more kinds of love, "Loving Attachment" and "Affectionate Regard". Loving Attachment is what you would find in a healthy marriage -- not Limerence, and that's why a long term marriage pales in comparison to "affair love". That said, Loving Attachment is very nice, it means both partners are invested in the marriage.

"Affectionate Regard" is what people also call "unconditional love". You can feel this for anyone, and it need not be reciprocated. It does not bring attachment with it.

What often happens is that the marriage slips from Loving Attachment to Affectionate Regard slowly over time, and one person is eventually tempted by feelings of Limerence.

So what can you do?

In a normal dating scenario, Limerence will last from three to five years. In an affair scenario which is usually much more based in fantasy with less of a real foundation, it will typically last from 6 months up to 3 years.

The only way to shorten that time is for the partners to be totally and completely separated with no further contact. This is recommended in all "affair recovery" prescriptions. Any future contact is likely to trigger limerence to kick in again, however, if it is interrupted in this way.

Of course to cut it off completely one of the partners needs to be motivated to end it, and then both will go through a painful grieving process for several months, during which time they're likely to be meaner to you than ever!

So what do you do?

You need to gut-check: are you willing to wait this out for up to a few years?

If so, you need to focus on avoiding things that will *create resentment*. The harder you make it on her now, the more difficult it will be for her to come back to you later.

If you leave a job and your boss shakes your hand and you leave on good terms, it's pretty easy to consider going back there later. If you leave a job and the boss swears at you, berates you, and threatens you, there's usually no way in hell you're going to consider going back there, you're going to look to find a new job instead.

That's the model. If you want a chance to reconcile later, you need to keep the path home paved and smooth, which is to say that you do not do or say things that will increase resentment. You just let her be, and you do your own thing.

This is brutal, because she is really severely wronging you, and there is no way for you to be heard, to get compassion, or to get the things you feel you're owed at a very fundamental level, but that's just the way it is.

The two of them are in a castle with a big wall around it, and there is no way in until the walls start to crumble, which inevitably will happen on it's own time.

Acc