Forging Through the Unknown

[LoisB]

We all want a happy ending, don't we? Even Jack can admit he's sometimes a Polyanna. And that's saying something! wink But it seems ex is behind you in his growth. He'll need to make a large effort to catch up to say the least. And it may be too late for him to catch up. You have dealt with so many very painful things that he has yet to address in addition to whatever the original problem was. He's moving, but he's not done and is just not in the same place. Yet and may not ever be at the same time you are. Because you may not want to be there. You are very much in control and even if felt to be unfair (it's not), have that power.

Let's face it, you're not done dealing with the fallout of everything that happened. And you're once again figuring out what the future relationship will look like with ex. Good friends? Lovers? Partners? Bitter enemies or even frenemies?

A.J.,

I think I get it. I may only have it for 15 seconds or so, but I get it.

I've had a hard time wrapping my head around this idea that the LBS is still in control of the relationship. I've really struggled with this one. I've felt so outta control. Smokey seems to impact every area of my life with his actions and crazy.

Mighty,

In the days of yore...for a good 3 decades of my life, I had Smokey wrapped, somewhat, around my little finger. He loved me and he would do whatever was necessary to keep me around. At least, that's how it felt. He would buy tampons if I asked, he would stop doing drugs, temporarily, to keep me in his life.

I was watching a comedy the other night and I watched this played out on my TV scene. This guy was in love and willing to do silly things because he loved this woman and wanted to make her happy. I felt sad because I remember that experience and longed for it. The victim inside me started thinking, "What happened to that guy? How could HE leave ME?"

Now, in my current life, at this stage of the MLC roller coaster, Smokey seems to have rejected me, at least for the moment, completely. I'm persona non grata. I think THIS is what you are afraid of going back to. The complete rejection by someone we love.

Your guy has given you a morsel of his loving you again and you are feeling caught in a barbed wire fence, in my opinion. Part of you is drawn to that comfortable feeling of his loving you again. Part of you hates him for what he has done.

But, here's the thing...even I, in my current state of utter rejection, still have control.

I can give up control completely by acting the victim with Smokey. Or, I have the choice of being the girl/woman he fell in love with...someone who is kind, generous, funny, smart, goofy and endearing, beautiful, amazing...AND, NOW, thanks to his insanity... incredibly strong and resilient.

When I go into victim mode, I'm giving up all control. I'm allowing him to drive the bus.

When I embrace that I have choices...and, even acknowledge, that if I really wanted to...I probably have the power to get that same wacked out guy to buy more tampons for me. I could. I still know him better than anyone on this planet. If I threw myself into getting him back into my life, chances are I could slowly make progress. If I choose to go that route. I might have to give up a lot, though...my self-respect, my integrity...IDK.

But, the question is...do I want to work that hard? Am I willing to give that much up? Do I want to lose myself again in that trap of making someone else the nerve center of my life.

It all comes back to me.

Ultimately, the marriages that seem to work out, on these boards at least, are the ones where the LBS stops working so hard on the spouse, focuses on themselves, and regains the control of their life which they lost and put all of of their energy into making themselves great. The spouse has the choice to do the work or not.

What a slippery, tricky slope. Let go to regain control. Give unconditional love without expectations. Allow someone to make their own mistakes and own them. Take charge of your own life and make the conscious decision to love with detachment.

I will never stop loving Smokey, but I can fall out of love with the unrealistic fantasy I had of him. I can look at him honestly as an imperfect human being who is a bit limited in his current state. And, in turn, I'm giving him a much greater gift...which he is totally oblivious to see, where I'm loving him enough to back the he!! off.

When you sleep next to someone for decades, you develop a bond...a biochemical bond which is really hard to sever. I think that chemistry makes it hard for us to face some hard truths when dealing with someone with so many problems. We want what feels good. We don't want the pain.

I'm afraid, however, the pain will be there regardless of which direction you choose.

And, I wonder, in my case at least, did I make the decision a while ago to let Smokey go? I mean, I'm sure there was a point where I could have accommodated him to keep the marriage going. At some point, did I become stronger and realize I wanted more? I stopped being OK with him as he was? Did I leave the marriage first?

I think what I did was make it clear I wanted more and he could either step up or leave. I allowed the fractures to grow larger. I didn't even know I was making this statement.

Sorry for the hijack. This just touched a nerve today.