Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[sandi2]

I see Sandi and 25 as in the same place with different views. Firm on boundary infringements and warm on interactions. Cut short the spew and arguments, reward the positives.

Thanks Vanilla, I think we do agree. We are giving VP's from both sides of the fence.
I especially agree with how 25 yrs stated the below post.

If guilt were an effective tool, she'd by home by now.

Usually, (no, not "ALWAYS" - but way more often than not)

Guilt converts into anger or blame at the person "causing" the guilt, which would be you.

Even when a WAS is angry at themselves, that does not equate with a return to the spouse. They may believe the combination of you and them is the problem.

OR they may feel yes, THEY "blew it and there's no coming back from that now"...so they don't even bother trying.

AND OR they tell themselves,

"he'll make me climb Mt Everest to come back and then he'll throw me off!" B/c they either don't want to have to humble themselves anyhow,

and or, they really do believe it's a pointless endeavor b/c in the end, you won't be happy anyhow, and neither will they. If no changes are demonstrated in the home life, the marriage they left, then why on earth would they return, regardless of OM/OW?

No WAS returns to a marriage they left, ever.......unless they come to believe

the marriage can be different/better than before.

Ian is spot on when he says that the more you make these situations hard for her, the harder it would be for her to return. Some of your behaviors are doing the opposite of what seems to be your goal.

Punishing her does nothing for YOU, except some small (and that's the word; "small") victory of the moment.

Some folks don't understand what my DB coach meant, when she said to

"Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth."


That ^^ has never meant, "become a doormat". Do not misinterpret it.

In your situation, making every single problem your son has, hers, or every problem he has, yours, or "ours", isn't fair to anyone,

and it isn't accurate and it most certainly does not help anyone or anything to change.

Get back to some DB basics.

GAL - helps you to Detach, which you must do soon...

and a part of that detachment is to separate yourself from HIM and your wife.

Detachment is key to healing and healing is key to having some form of relationship with your wife, whatever that ends up being.

Yes, you two should be able to discuss your son as adults with his best interests at heart. When you start believing that she wants that, even if she's not married to you, that will help all parties.

Right now, that feels like a "reward" to her, in your eyes. I don't agree, but that's not relevant.

And that's -again-you making her relationship with your son, about how YOU feel. I hope that changes very very soon.

At some point you two will need to communicate much better than you do now.

That's on you, b/c you are the one who can't handle it at this point. Do you see that?

NO, I'm not referring to when she spews; of course that must stop then & there.

I'm talking about when she's "normal" or kind to you, & you can't handle that either.

So that will need to change for you two to begin -- whatever you begin...

which is not going to happen today.


So, what DB basic can you do, today?

HP, think of yourself as being a ship. Your WAW is the ocean water. The ship has a destination and must stay the course to get there. Now the water is unpredictable. Sometimes it is quite and things run smoother. But most times, the water is making waves and splashing up against the ship, sometimes violently, and trying to get over into the ship. The water can get very rough when storms comes, and even try to turn the ship around, turn it over, or and wreck it with giant waves, and suck in down into the depths of its darkness. However, the ship has been built well and has the best instruments and skill to navigate through the storms. It steadily continues on course to its destination, and will not give up by the splashing sounds of the water. It comes along with the ride to the other side.

There is a little passenger along on this trip, who is not enjoying the ride. He did not ask for it and did not want to travel this way. He gets very scared when the ship is tossed around. It takes both the ship and the water to get this little passenger safely ashore.

Rely upon your instruments (DB skills) to keep you on course. Know that you will weather the storms, and they eventually die down. It is the water (your WAW) that is splashing around, looking angry & scarey, going in up & down -- back & forth extremes but getting nowhere. Do not let the storms suck you down into the depths of destruction. You are strong and can ride out the waves and get there.

Keep the ship in good condition and the instruments in check.