Devastated Husband; Need Advice...Part 2

[TLEE86]

MCS, thank you. I am trying to keep the faith. I think you and I actually had this conversation about faith a few weeks ago when I brought up Broken Together-Casting Crowns. Its really difficult to let up control but right now I feel a little better knowing its in someone else' hands besides mine.
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T2, I'll just be honest with you. I've been reading through your thread (bear with me, 3 years worth is a lot of catching up to do). And it scares me. Your W and mine seem to have this whole thing of I need to do something for myself concept. And they base their decisions on feelings, where you and I are very logical. My W is also very attention seeking/feeling based. And it worked. For a while.

The huge dynamic in our R was my fixing/rescuing/protecting her. That dynamic drove her to feeling like a child, with me as the parent. One of many things I've learned in my time here is that fixin' is for things, not people.

This is my W and I to a T. She mentioned before I am a father to her, not her H. And treat her like a child. Its scary to read how similar some things are. What scared me most about these similarities is your outcome. One thread I read in particular was your response to Wet's questions. You answered that you had to see it all the way through to the end, and were not worried about quitting just before the finish. And to see her in a saner place so she could be ok in the future. It seems you are there, but your W is still searching, 3 years later. I am scared this will be me in 3 years. I admire you a lot for all you have overcome and the man you have become. But it scares me that I will have this same outcome because I don't want it. Just being honest.
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Just got off the phone with my DB Coach. I am shocked at some of the things she wants me to do.

1. Mix it up. My W has done 90% of the initiating and I have been discouraged to try and initiate convo's for fear of her not replying. I was told to try anyways because my W wants contact, and just because she doesn't reply once or twice, doesn't mean she doesn't want to talk to me. She's having a bad day. No expectations.

2. Buy her small little things. W's biggest complaint was I stopped doing the little things for her. Ive mentioned buying W a pizza/cookie and having it just show up on her door step but never done it lately (Rule is don't buy gifts). W called me out on it and said you always you will do that but never do (half joking). Well, I guess W will be having pizza tomorrow night. This is 180 I guess because I stopped doing this, so the rule doesn't apply as much to me.

3. Treat her as an equal and respect her opinion just like I have been lately. She told me she wanted to join the Army. Old response would be to laugh and tell her she's not serious. (She's really not, she has 100000 ideas a day). But this time, I actually validated her and made calls to my friends to find more info about it JUST IN CASE she was serious. I told her, and she was impressed I did so much leg work for her. (She hasn't brought it up since, so thank God she's not serious)

4. Introduce SKYPE/FACETIME to our convos. W says its hard for her to see me, so I will ease her into it by trying SKYPE/FACETIME and go from there.

5. Mix it up pt 2. Before I would respond 30-45minutes later. Then I was told to do it quicker, so I have. Now I need to do both. Keep her guessing. Don't let her take me for granted as always there.
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Bottom line, I am in a good place with W as we talk daily. I was told not to worry about "OM/Roommate" because my W says she is tired of being lonely on her online blog and how it hurts because she chose this, so if OM/roommate was a serious thing, W wouldnt be complaining about it as much.

Thanks for reading...hopefully tomorrow is a good day for all of us. Oh, and cooking class confirmed, 31 JAN! Im making...idk what yet?