Strong EA after 2 yrs M #2 - The journey begins

[Complex]

Did I actually ever mention that OM at work is a doctor? W a nurse.

No, but why does it matter, at all? They have medicine in common, or what?

Why is this^^ about them, (whom you have no control over) and not about you? Remember, you are all you control. So put your focus back to YOU and your work...

what are your 180s again? And the GAL? Sometimes it's good to get back to the basics of DBing...

1) changes YOU want to make in yourself;

Answered in last post. Plus finishing college, increase education (see GAL)

2) GAL activities you want to explore;

Signed up for gym, created myself a good training plan, 3x a week, hang out with friends once a week. Star playing golf again. Signed up for college again, starting at junior college dice I can't transfer my college classes from Germany, goal: getting my bachelors degree, become a teacher (goal I dropped to move to US)

3) 180s, (at least 2)

see last post

Can yo list some of your short term goals, towards the overall goals: self improvement and Reconciling?

What are they?

see therapist and find out things about MYSELF and my lack of motivation, NOT about M, solution and action based approach, get fit and muscular again like I used to, stay busy, don't spend too much time at home, make W trust me again that I won't snoop, make her "like" me again as a person...that'd good for now




He's married to his work and is playing hard to get it seems like. Doesn't want a work based R. Likes her a lot tho.

I'm married to an MD. I could sit here and just agree with you but the fact is, you do NOT KNOW HIM. Why try to read HIS mind or heart? Even reading their texts (which will absolutely infuriate HER if she finds out) isn't going to give you a real picture of who HE is. And Complex, HE does not matter. Do Not focus on OM.

In most situations, including yours I think,

the affair is a symptom, Not a cause of your problems.

[b] I told myself that over and over again. It is very true and helps if you understand that


[/b]
Seriously, why bother snooping now? It won't change your path, will it? If so, how? If not, then drop it.

You'll make yourself nuts thinking about how much money he earns and the prestige he gets, and you will become bitter and overlook or gloss over the things You need/want to work on and instead it'll be all about him and his flaws or greatness and blah blah blah.

SOoooo, Back to WHO matters most here, i.e. you and you new improved self...




While she's adoring him trying to get every bit of attention from him possible. It's kind of one sided actually. (I know bc I snooped)


SIGH...why snoop about this??
You already knew she was having an affair. Does it change one bit of YOUR approach?

Does it honestly make you feel, down deep, any better? How?

It makes me feel worse, not better. But it was IMO necessary, since she played it down and I believed her. Only snooped twice. 1. OM and EA developing since we called it "quits". 2. Confirmed EA is serious and she wants D to be with OM. And especially that EA is going on for much longer than I thought.
NO MORE SNOOPING. I know everything I needed to know.



Kinda scripty. Doctor, successful. Me foreigner, live in the limbo, Mr. nice guy, , crying his ass off in front of W all the time.


Oh man Complex, come on, is that really how you see this scenario playing out?

All so very simple. Just you being a "nice guy" with the ONLY reason there's any limbo or poverty with you, is b/c you are a "foreigner"?? Is that truly what you want to say now?


Not what I'm saying. Proud of being a foreigner. I guess I just pessimistically summarized the situation and let myself down

Hey come on, If you come here to say that You have no flaws to work on, other than being "Nice", as if "everything was great UNTIL OM came along"...then you will feel powerless to change things.

You seem to be saying that showing your emotions was the reason she had the affair. Is that what you mean to say?

I don't agree. You said you only showed those emotions after the affair was discovered, right? So how is that related to her choice to have the affair, at all?


I showed emotions all along, from BD to EA, although I suspect EA started parallel with unhappiness of W in M. As a symptom, not the cause! Agree on that.

Never mind all this, b/c What matters is what were you like before the affair AND how will you act, from this day forward?


I was myself. A person with passion for life, enthusiasm about things I did, dreaming about doing good things and having a great future, having fun in my life and be authentic. How will I act from this day forward? Like myself 2 years ago with more wisdom and more motivation, more action, less talking

Oh, one thing....one thing I can say for doctors. At least in this country, they all work their butts off to become MD's. That's just a fact. For years they earn little or nothing.

When they finally complete their journey, after years of training and residency, and they become staff or attending physicians, then they earn better incomes. But by the hour, it's not great pay. They work LONG hours. They deserve their high incomes.

Okay I'll stop feeling a bit testy about that. I guess a part of me vigorously defends MDs b/c thats what I do; it's my profession, (i.e. I defend hospitals, & doctors/nurses who are sued.)

Also why I'm mad at myself. I acted human, but I acted human WAY too long and pushed her out, confirming everything she said. Now I regret.
But all we can do is move on. It's taken its course.

Well, maybe it's a language barrier, but what are you saying ^^here? I'm not clear.

So You think "acting human" is bad? And you think that's the "flaw" you want to work on? Not sure I can help with that b/c I am a human too! Last I looked, I was.



[b] I meant I was human crying, feeling down as hell, begging, mourning. But I didn't pull myself out of the dirt early enough. I didn't change myself

Cutting to the chase... What do you feel were YOUR mistakes or contributions to the problems?[/b]
B/c THAT and the DB basics ought to be your focus now.


I made promises what I want to do with my life. I didn't show persistency, nor passion, I wanted HER to change so she will make me feel better. I was mad that SHE didn't do anything for me involuntarily. Instead of me changing and see if that is going to make her feel better and eventually giving sth back automatically. I talked to much and didn't follie through. Etc etc. oh god my eyes are shutting. Need to sleep


Work on those. GAL big time. You must detach and become the better choice.

If your w once loved you deeply, if you had a great connection, then in time those memories can resurface if you don't prevent or hinder that from happening.

FYI, The affairs doctors & nurses have, tend to move faster than others.

They don't continue indefinitely b/c there's too much going on at work, and too much stress to keep that up and their reputations do matter. So they make a choice relatively early, compared to other affairs.

You want to look your best as a husband and catch, for when she looks your way.

Get ready for that. GAL, Detach, become a man only a fool would leave.

thanks for being kind and also trying to give me some hope. It's what keeps us alive. I'll review the 2nd of the 3 big posts of yours on Monday. I'll be working all day tmrw then drive home 6h.
Hope you are able to read "between the lines" how I posted/answered things. And thanks for reviewing in advance