Strong EA after 2 yrs M #2 - The journey begins

[Complex]

Ok before I sleep and get back to work tomorrow lets do my first little 180 and take some time to answer some questions and do some thinking

And YES I won't focus on W or OM or whatsoever anymore but myself.. I know by now if I don't get a real 180 done, I have zero chance.

So, what actions(not words) are you going to take, to do a 180?
Starting when? Why?


Starting: yesterday. What: No more pursuing, no more snooping, no more doing things that have the intention to cause her feeling guilty, getting my life on track, stop talking and thinking - start DOING, BECOMING the person I really want to be, not just talk about it, stop regretting, stop wanting to control things, forgive her, forgive myself, love
Why? To become the person I want to be, with no regrets, knowing I gave the very best I have


BUT I need some technical advise how to respond to certain things and how to properly DB handle certain situations.
Thanks

A whole lot of those circumstances will either never come up (so your time spent on worrying is wasted. Time that should have been spent on the changes you want to make)

If you finish the book(s) most of your questions^^, will be answered.


Still need to read a third of the book, ASAP


As for what your wife says...okay, So, when your wife says

{{WHATEVER SHE SAYS}]

YOU LISTEN... and see what you can learn about HER perceptions and HER hopes and HER dreams. Maybe she will tell you what was missing in the marriage, maybe she doesn't really know, but whatever it was, she feels she has it now.

You validate what she says. That's NOT to say you must agree.

Validating does Not = agreement.

Validation means you attempt to understand what she is telling you. You can re-cap it, repeat back to her what you hear her saying. "So w, what I hear you saying is that 'x' is important and you feel that need is met. Is that what you mean, w?" Show her that you really want to understand her wants.


IF she says "OM really gets me. HE knows what I like and WE have so much in common!...."

You can say "I can see how that would make you feel good".

It's not about you; it's not about OM; it is about HER.
You do Not argue with her about what YOU have in common with her.

No arguments. You cannot argue your way back into a marriage or love.

As I asked earlier, what has she told you, specifically?

If you can't answer that, I don't know how helpful my words are going to be.


not sure what exactly you mean by what has she told me, so here different points:

Thinks she told me a long time ago (BD and after): She is unhappy and miserable in our M, she wants sth more in her life, we don't have the drive and future goals in common, not enough connection, she wants a 'complete' man that has his things figured out, I am an awesome person but just not for her, R based on romanticism not friendship. Loves me but more like a friend, I don't have enough passion and I don't follow through. All this = disconnection + what OM has what I do not...understandable actually

Things she told me recently (last 2 weeks): She screwed up that she even married me, she loves OM, their R is based on long term friendship, now she wants to do things right, help me so I can stay here and figure out my life here, wants to support me and stay my friend even if I don't want to, I could call her when I'm 90 years old and she will be there for me. We eventually have to forgive each other, that she is incredibly sorry, that she wants to gain my trust back (that she lost through lying to me about OM) , that she hopes to gain trust for me back (lost through snooping) - she didn't say all this at once, slowly leaking things.

Things she said without her knowing that I know: Things are getting real now (related to her bonding with OM and D). That she wants to do things the right way with OM and tell him that I know. And all the rings that I don't know how much weight I should put in with her friend about OM. Don't want to put too much focus on this part...

Is that what you asked?





I know you are busy at the moment but something tells me you have the urge to take short cuts here.

This isn't the place or situation for shortcuts. The only way past this pain is through it.

But things do get better. I know that.

So, back to YOU...

THANKS AGAIN AND AGAIN!

I'll get to the other questions now.