Bullet points, cause that's how I'm rolling today (and I'm super busy at work and sneaking this in as I scarf down my lunch.)
-You HAVE to GAL. Because what you're doing right now? Is not working for you. You are all that you are guaranteed in life. You can be your own worst enemy, or your biggest fan. Your W may never come back. I know that [censored] to think about, and it [censored] to read it. But, T, it may take her a few more weeks, a few more months, a few more years before she makes a decision about anything. You cannot simply just go through the motions and hope that "she comes to her senses." Because her senses? May tell her to move on. And then what? The sooner you accept this, and the sooner you do GAL, the (slightly) easier this gets. It's not all rainbows and unicorns over here -- but I'm usually out of the house doing stuff 4 nights a week and I can tell you it helps immensely.
-The grass is always greener because it's fertilized with bulls*it.
- Careful with letting work consume you. Isn't that what contributed to part of your sitch?
-Have you seen an IC lately?
- You've got this.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Careful with letting work consume you. Isn't that what contributed to part of your sitch?
It was a huge part, probably 70% of it. But I don't have a choice. I do as Im told. I haven't been home before 1230am the past 4 nights. Im back by 7am. Long days...
Originally Posted By: Calibri
You cannot simply just go through the motions and hope that "she comes to her senses." Because her senses? May tell her to move on. And then what?
Honestly? I never even really thought about this. I know W is unhappy, stressed, feeling alone etc. She says it all the time. Its not a bowl of Lucky Charms with just the Marshmellows for her. But I have always thought...when she comes out of the fog, she'll realize what we had together. Because she may not want to try again and deal with the drama of starting over and just rather start over with someone else. What you asked me? Scares the [censored] out of me
Ive been reading up on T2's sitch. And there is that definite similarity of doing something on her own, making it on her own. How she doesn't look physically or mentally healthy. And you know what? T2 has been DB'ing for years now. And it may not have the outcome he wants, regardless of if his STBXW is wondering about coming home. Ive been doing this for 3.5months...and Im scared of the outcome.
Last edited by TLEE86; 01/16/1508:53 PM.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
More just...doing what has to be done and hope my W come to her senses. I don't know yet how to change this. My motivation is ZERO to really go and do something just for me.
I have been feeling for a while...."now what." What happens now. What's the next step. Idk?
Imo, you have to force yourself to GAL, in the beginning, because it works. There has to be SOMETHING that would fit it with your current workload...
-work out? -bike/motorcycle rides? -hikes? -reading for pleasure? -some hobby you enjoyed and let go by the wayside these past years? -learning to cook yourself gourmet meals? -trying something new you'd never considered before? -exploring/renewing spiritual practices? -??
You have to find something that gets your mind off of the sitch, and W, and focused on YOU, what YOU want, who YOU want to be.
I invested a lot of my identity in my career, and being a provider, protector...and getting that yanked out from under me left me pretty lost. It was tough getting myself to even start GAL, I was outside my comfort zone...but I did push myself, hard, to find and DO stuff...even if just once to try it.
For me, weight-lifting and riding were extremely beneficial for stress relief (and getting that "feel good" hormones going again) from both my job and the sitch.
I read a lot of books, sci-fi and epic fantasy, they got my head in other worlds for a respite.
GAL works, and is necessary, for your own health, and it shows you having an independent existence.
Quote:
I have heard this many times, save yourself first. To be honest, I still don't entirely know what it means.
To me, it means you figure your things that are valid that YOU want to fix for YOU, not to save the M.
It means re-discovering who YOU are, as an independent individual, not as 50% of a M.
It means to stop looking over towards your WAS, and start looking in the mirror and all around you and creating "T's life" ... moving "forward", but not moving "on", yet.
This weekend, I would like you to do at least one thing for yourself each day, doesn't matter what it is, though I highly recommend something physical and requiring concentration.
I want to think a bit more about the work thing before responding.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
And it may not have the outcome he wants, regardless of if his STBXW is wondering about coming home. Ive been doing this for 3.5months...and Im scared of the outcome.
Dig into that fear... where does it come from?
Why are you afraid?
MLC is a slightly different beast.
I did not have the outcome I originally wanted.
You know what? I'm good with that, now, though it was incredibly tough to let go of the life I thought I wanted and embrace the new life in front of me and all the opportunities to build a new life of MY choosing. It scared the cr@p out of me. But, I made it though. I no longer want to reconcile. I've moved on.
I also had to learn, and believe, that I would be okay, regardless of the outcome.
I had to accept that I could not direct or control the outcome, because I cannot control another human being, just myself. I had to give the sitch, and her, to God, the Universe, Shiva, etc. and just focus on my kids, and myself.
That was tough, letting go of control. But it was freeing once I did.
Last edited by TSquared2; 01/16/1509:26 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Also, I stood/DB'ed for a long time because I chose to, for the kids, and myself, and, yes, to give stbxw time and space to figure herself out.
I wanted to be sure that when *I* looked back years from now, that I would have no regrets, no "what if I had tried X" thoughts, that I knew deep in my soul that I had done everything I could. And my sons would also know that.
That Dad didn't cut and run when it got tough. He stood with class, honor and dignity for his M, until he stood for himself.
Stbxw is in a more stable state to head out on her own successfully. That one one of my goals.
My internal drives of CHD and duty are satisfied.
I've become a man only a fool would leave (well, mostly).
I had to get there on my own and in my own time, and manner, like everyone, though several of my friends got rather frustrated with my stubbornness.
Be true to yourself.
Last edited by TSquared2; 01/16/1510:16 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2, wow thank you so much for sharing all of that. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read through my sitch and giving me your opinion.
First, this I have a lot of respect for, and is what I am hoping one day I can say as well, regardless of outcome.
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
I wanted to be sure that when *I* looked back years from now, that I would have no regrets, no "what if I had tried X" thoughts, that I knew deep in my soul that I had done everything I could.
That I didn't cut and run when it got tough. I stood with class, honor and dignity for my M, until I stood for himself.
Really inspiring.
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
Dig into that fear... where does it come from?
Why are you afraid?
Because she is the love of my life. She is my 2nd W, and I can honestly say that with my 1st W, it was never meant to be and I knew it before I married her. I wish I never did that to either her or myself. I can see the difference between my 1st W and my M with her, and my 2nd W, and our M. My W said the same thing when we got M (her 2nd M as well). Because I look around on this forum at people who have started this journey with me or before me, and a lot of them are headed to D. I really cant believe the pain that is out there, and I wish this on no one. With W and I, D talks are not on the table right now, but it scares me because these talks were not on the table with a lot of people a month ago. I feel that I know what its like to be with someone who you were not supposed to be with (1st W), and how different it feels when you are with someone you should be with. And Im scared to lose her for good, though she may be lost already
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
I had to accept that I could not direct or control the outcome, because I cannot control another human being, just myself. I had to give the sitch, and her, to God, the Universe, Shiva, etc. and just focus on my kids, and myself.
That was tough, letting go of control. But it was freeing once I did.
I have turned this over to God. Because there is literally nothing I can do to change anything but me. And to this point, I can see (for the most part) that the decisions being made really are to help out both W and I individually, hopefully together. ------
On the GAL side, I did do something this weekend. I signed up for cooking classes. I have always wanted to learn how to cook, and I should be starting on 30 or 31 JAN. I am excited and hopefully I like the instructor. If not, I'll get a new one. Working out, I do 6times a week. Honestly its a chore because I have to do it, so to be blunt, I don't enjoy it. At all. So cooking should be fun.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
If you are, I have friends in TX that I visit a few times a year, in the DFW area, mostly.
We have a lot in common. I'd like to share "M" war-stories and beers, next time I'm down there.
In the mean time....
That is awesome on taking cooking classes!! In one of my careers I was a sous-chef, and I'm teaching my sons. A very useful, and tasty, and enjoyable skill to acquire, I find the focus calms me...plus I have yet to discover a woman who DOES NOT find a man who knows his way around a kitchen sexy...just sayin'.
Regardless of the outcome of the sitch, know this:
You're going to make it, you're coming home.
Why?
Because F*** That.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2, yes TX and that sounds awesome, we'll see what happens!
Definitely agree with you on cooking. It is a very useful skill and seems pretty enjoyable. W and I have always loved watching Food Network (Iron Chef, Chopped, Food Network Star etc etc) so it'd be really interesting to actually attempt my own recipes and Im looking forward to it!
I have been meaning to ask you, why do you no longer hope to R? Sounds like you yourself are doing great, your sons are well, and your W is re-thinking why she left you and telling her mom how awesome a H you are/were. Why now, when it seems like things are right where you want them to be, do you not want to R after doing all this work, not just for you but also your M?
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Reading your posts and see some of myself in there. As you know, I hope my wife comes out of wherever she is. Anyway, I'll tell you to keep faith that whatever the outcome is, you'll be okay. I agree, I'm at a place that I'm letting this go to God's hands. He has a plan in this, we just see the path one step at a time.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Her interest in possibly changing her mind happened during a time of stress for her living the consequences of her decision to end the M. She was looking to me for what I could do for her, and missing the kids. Not because she loved me, or saw how a new, better R was possible. She wanted what I can do, not me.
The huge dynamic in our R was my fixing/rescuing/protecting her. That dynamic drove her to feeling like a child, with me as the parent. One of many things I've learned in my time here is that fixin' is for things, not people.
Lots of introspection and looking at the M as is really was, taking off the rose-smeared glasses... I see things differently than I did.. It seems like when we are first BD'd...all we can remember is the good-times. Then a stage comes where all we remember is the bad....and eventually we find balance and see things more accurately, more as they really were. I would be doing HER a disservice, not allowing her to grow up and become an adult, if we reconciled..I see old patterns and behaviors, from both of us, returning way too easily.
TBH, she has Histrionic Personality Disorder, which is kinda cute and endearing at a volume level of 1-3, but now it's up at a level I do not wan to deal with anymore. She has a lot of work to do on herself before she's ever going to be ready for the kind of R that I want to have. I waited 3 years and worked on myself, I want better for myself now. The difference in the house routines, energy and my life since she left have been amazing, and eye-opening. I truly cannot see her back in my life as more than a co-parent... I'm Mr. Spock logic based, she's feelings based, which worked before, nice balance, especially for the kids. Now? Not so much.
And my new R with an emotionally and mentally healthy, self-aware, intelligent, positive, confident and successful woman has shown me what I was sacrificing, for her, for the R, and my ego.
That's the "3 beers in" version...the details are in my thread.
Hope that answers your question
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
