Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[HPoirot]

If guilt were an effective tool, she'd by home by now.

Usually, (no, not "ALWAYS" - but way more often than not)

Guilt converts into anger or blame at the person "causing" the guilt, which would be you.

Even when a WAS is angry at themselves, that does not equate with a return to the spouse. They may believe the combination of you and them is the problem.

OR they may feel yes, THEY "blew it and there's no coming back from that now"...so they don't even bother trying.

AND OR they tell themselves,

"he'll make me climb Mt Everest to come back and then he'll throw me off!" B/c they either don't want to have to humble themselves anyhow,

and or, they really do believe it's a pointless endeavor b/c in the end, you won't be happy anyhow, and neither will they. If no changes are demonstrated in the home life, the marriage they left, then why on earth would they return, regardless of OM/OW?

No WAS returns to a marriage they left, ever.......unless they come to believe

the marriage can be different/better than before.

Ian is spot on when he says that the more you make these situations hard for her, the harder it would be for her to return. Some of your behaviors are doing the opposite of what seems to be your goal.

Punishing her does nothing for YOU, except some small (and that's the word; "small") victory of the moment.

Some folks don't understand what my DB coach meant, when she said to

"Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth."


That ^^ has never meant, "become a doormat". Do not misinterpret it.

In your situation, making every single problem your son has, hers, or every problem he has, yours, or "ours", isn't fair to anyone,

and it isn't accurate and it most certainly does not help anyone or anything to change.

Get back to some DB basics.

GAL - helps you to Detach, which you must do soon...

and a part of that detachment is to separate yourself from HIM and your wife.

Detachment is key to healing and healing is key to having some form of relationship with your wife, whatever that ends up being.

Yes, you two should be able to discuss your son as adults with his best interests at heart. When you start believing that she wants that, even if she's not married to you, that will help all parties.

Right now, that feels like a "reward" to her, in your eyes. I don't agree, but that's not relevant.

And that's -again-you making her relationship with your son, about how YOU feel. I hope that changes very very soon.

At some point you two will need to communicate much better than you do now.

That's on you, b/c you are the one who can't handle it at this point. Do you see that?

NO, I'm not referring to when she spews; of course that must stop then & there.

I'm talking about when she's "normal" or kind to you, & you can't handle that either.

So that will need to change for you two to begin -- whatever you begin...

which is not going to happen today.


So, what DB basic can you do, today?

Hello 25. OK yes on GAL. I went shopping today which is a 180 for me. I got a very nice dress shirt. The first part of my new wardrobe goal. Next is new dress shoes and a suit.

On guilting W... if she asks me how S12 is... I say fine b/c I'm making sure he's fine by telling him he's going to be fine and then supporting him in that way.

So I'm giving W nothing more to worry about. I or anything to do with me should be the least of any worry she has is what you and sofaraway are saying. When she calls me, she should hang up the phone thinking... "HP has it handled thank God" or "It sure was nice to talk to HP" or something like that.

I'm killing her with kindness then.

...

Tonight... she texted me pictures she took of S12 in NYC with little funny captions. I have not accepted her FB friend request so she took the extra step to text them to me.

I replied ... "Thank you W. Glad you guys are having a good time"

When I tried to call S12, she texted back... "He's asleep."

I said "OK."

She texted ... "Good night HP."

I texted ... "Good night."

So I'm keeping up politeness.

And I just keep going like this. No pursuit. No R talks. No anger. Nothing but niceness. I have everything taken care of. No guilt. No stress from me.

I am a humble, nice to deal with, co-worker.

OK then I will do that.

On to more GAL.