Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[HPoirot]

I said we're fine... we're almost home. She said ok... she would not call him. I said OK. I hung up.

We have to work on you understanding that the word should be he, not we. Quit trying to lump it together. Focus on your S12 and stop adding yourself in to stuff she didn't ask you about. Your response here makes this:

I let that slide right off me. No reaction from me.

Seem like dishonesty. If it had rolled right off of you your focus would be on your son and not yourself.

we have a lot to be grateful for... we love his mom... we'll be OK.

Dude, really???? This is beyond wrong. Quit incorporating your son and you into one. This should have been about him not you. He has a lot to be grateful for and his mom loves him and he will be ok.

HP, I am simply going to say that I understand all of this is difficult and you feel like you are hanging by a thread. But, you have to really look at your responsibilities as a parent here and stop making the situation about us and we with your S12. Understand that the psychological damage that this causes is tremendous. You will make him feel that if you and your WAW don't get back together that he had something to do with it. He's also 12 and not 4 so understand that he knows a lot more than you are giving him credit for.

Stop engaging her, she knows son is pissed, don't keep explaining it to her. Let her get that from him and not you. I can promise you this, if you two divorce you will no longer be the buffer between yourself and your WAW. She will have a separate relationship with him that you need to stay out of.

I get it that you feel like if you act like your a family maybe she will want that and come back, but that doesn't work. What that does is increase her guilt and anger and make her feel like it is not recoverable. Be independent, be strong for your son, and be ok no matter the outcome. This is what will show her that recovery is possible. Being a man and father whether she is there or not is what will sell you as a partner in marriage.

Your job first and foremost is S12, please remember that and please stop engaging the we/us behaviors. I promise you it leads down a road that you will not like the results of. For you, or for S12, the road you are taking sets both of you up to be let down and angry. Focus on what you can control not on what you cannot.

I am not sure if you understand what a "Circle of influence" is but you should look it up. Make a list of what exists within that circle for you and stick to that. Stay away from things that do not fall within your ability to control or influence.


Ian

Thank you for this post too sofaraway. I really appreciate what you're saying about my we/us behaviors with S12 and I'm very glad you mentioned this.

I did think it was best for him to hear me talk about US... like he and I are a team getting through this. And yes I thought it was right to let W know what S12 told me b/c I felt she was ignoring this by her words and actions.

I understand you're saying I'm wrong b/c S12 will feel responsible for what's happening by me saying "WE will be fine" instead of "YOU will be fine." He should know I'm taking care of him and he has no responsibility to take care of me or us or anything else.

And I understand I must be careful not to guilt or blame W about any of this. I have to just be strong and lead my family through this.

I admit I'm not entirely clear on this b/c of the anger I have harbored. I know to trreat W with politeness. On top of that, I will take care of S12 issues when he comes to me with them. I will not encourage him to talk with his mom... just let him do it as he feels to.

I'm getting this and S12 is the most important person here.

Thank you again for correcting my actions.