Mozza (8) + Links to success stories

[Mozza]

Special thanks to 25yearsmlc for her post about detahment and what it's like in my sitch and when WAW will have 2nd thoughts.

I think they are treasures on this board and I hope others in similar sitches will read them. It's especially good for people who have a hard time to detac or wonder if their WAS will ever see their changes.

Imagine that you are a widower, and that enough time has passed that most of your grief over the loss of your w, has subsided.

I've been thinking about this a lot. It often makes me feel good because I feel free from my W. That's where I had the idea to run a week considering it's really over for good. We'll see where that takes me.

I don't recall you saying you "never" want to talk to her about anything but the kids, but just that for now, this is what you need. Correct?

Correct. And in fact, our communications about the kids have intensified since then, as you can see in my post above. She even asked about the impact of S on the kids for the first time.

Basically, my fear is that she'll want to come back but will feel pushed away by me and not come and tell me.

IF your wife does someday want to reconcile, wouldn't you need a tad more than one probing question or gesture from her?

Absolutely. I've come to the same conclusion. I shouldn't hold the door wide open in case she has a sliver of a doubt. I should keep it shut and wait for her to knock clearly on it. It's not even a question of pride, it's about making sure that she has the will and determination it will take, and the love that I deserve.

Like you, I can't see a sudden awakening on her end, as the result of having no contact with you in person.

Like you, I don't know how she'd see the new/improved you, for her to know whether she wants to reconcile.

However, these issues and dilemmas are all moot right now. Can you guess why they are moot at this point and thus, do not matter?

The reason this^^ and thoughts of "how we can ever reconcile" and what she'll know or think about you and your new changes, are all moot at this point, is b/c You are not detached enough to be around her, without feeling crappy AND OR somehow making the situation worse.

Is that it, in a nutshell? B/C if so, then we need to help you detach FIRST and then figure out other approaches to take to do the DB work that you can do.

Yes, I agree that I'm not detached enough and that it's hard for me to act naturally like I'm moving on in front of her. One thing you should know is that I'm very self-controlled, so I've been good so far. Regardless, it would be better for me to detach. I've had a few moments where I was and things appeared much more clearly to me. I worried less about the outcome for instance and I feel like I did the right DB thing anyway. I really hope to be able to detach in the coming weeks.

Cutting off chit chat should have helped, and I think it did, but we have intensified the communications about the kids so much that she stays this constant, pleasant presence in my life. It makes me think about her a lot. It's the familiarity of her tone, of her writing style, of her concerns and quirks. It's her, whether we talk about the kids or not and I miss her.

Mozz, I don't think ANY Woman leaving a h and child(ten) could have zero 2nd thoughts. Absent abuse, every single mother is going to wonder if she's doing right by her kids, by leaving.

Good timing: she asked about the impact of S on them a few days later, a first in four months. It made me feel like she's becoming more "normal" about the whole thing, moving on from the classic "they're resilient".

WHEREAS YOU WISH she'd come to wonder or believe that

"Wow, Mozz is a changed man. He's a really good father. He is now the way I always wanted him to be. He's now truly the man I thought he was when I married him... wow I wonder if we could make it work, this time... what if I'm willing to own my part and prove my commitment to him? What would that look like? "

That^^ is what you wish for, correct?

Yes, that's what I want. More precisely, I hope and expect something like this:

"Wow, I really miss Mozza. I feel this love for him I wasn't feeling when I left. He was such a good man and a great father. He's a great partner for life. He seems to have changed so much, I wonder if we could get along better? Could it last? What would I have to do?"

When will they have those doubts or second thoughts? WHEN will they wonder if they really did right by their kids, or themselves?

(...)

But I really do believe that --Deep down, a mother of kids who love their dad, who once really did love her h as well, Will look back and wonder what might have been... I know she will.... Be ready for when she does that, b/c 10 to 1, if you keep at this, she will.

Make sense? Got this?

This was a wonderful list. Not all but many of the things applied to my sitch. It gives me reasons to believe (though I try not to think about that this week). As I wrote above, the fact that my WAW finally showed concern about the kids makes me think she's more 'normal' and hence that the scenarios described in DB could possibly apply to her after all.