bea- thank you. You are right. I did pretty well this week staying out of things. I didn't ask any questions or inquire at all about the sitch. Until last night, I asked about the test.
I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. So, they way he has taken the convo parts for what he wanted and never completed it, it really bothers me. I have stepped back, but I am trying not to let that part interfere with my attitude. Now, he is taking a step back too. I don't know what that means.
He texted me this morning about p/u d13 from practice. I responded. Then I thought about the (unfinished) convo. I had some things I wanted to say, I could have been smart, snotty, pleading, whatever.. all the things I didn't want to be. I considered not saying anything. Then I thought about it, and I just asked, why haven't you finished the conversation?
He didn't respond. A little while later, I saw I missed his call while I was in the shower, but he was picking up d13 at the time. So I figured if he was calling about the convo, he had about 2 minutes before she'd be in the car. So I didn't call back. He dropped d13 off, and was off on a 1.5 hr car ride to see his dad. I thought he'd call then, but he didn't. In fact, I haven't heard from him at all.
Again, just stepping away. I am without a car today, as s17 is off helping my mom today, and d13 is out of town watching college basketball. I'm staying busy, but honestly, it's not enough. I just can't seem to find what it is that I want to do with myself. Outside of home, that is. I have plenty to do here, but I don't want to be around anyone, really (outside of work). There isn't anything I want to do. And it is so cold out!
Honestly, I don't even want to finish the conversation anymore (just disappointed about how it went down). I am just tired of it. Xh probably feels the same way. That could be why he is not only avoiding it, but avoiding me now. And that's OK (not the avoiding conversation- something that needs to stop), but for him to take care of stuff. He has so many conversations to have, that he is probably sick of it, too.
AJ- It's interesting that you see the ball in my court. I feel that halfway. I think I want to feel that he wants this and would really put effort into this- then I would make a decision. I feel like I want to be the one to decide. I think I fear another rejection. When I really think about it, I guess that if weren't to work out, I would want it to be my call. Isn't that terrible? It's not that I think I don't want it to work out.... but I just don't know what I want- but I do know I don't want to be rejected like that again.
Oh, something else...
The other day, xh and I were talking, and I mentioned that it never would go back to the way it was. He seemed taken aback by this and asked why. I said bc he is not the same, I am not the same, the kids aren't the same, and things have changed. He seemed really down and disappointed to hear this. It's kind of sad. I have seen him try to make everything around here like it was before he left (remember- even paint color!), and talks about how good it was before he left (but he didn't realize it until after he left), and how we had such a good life, a happy life, and we didn't have any real problems in our family (That's an understatement compared to now!). But I don't think it ever crossed his mind that it won't be the same.
You are right, AJ, I can now look back with a different perspective. Some things may and could be the same. Other things can't. And some... need to change.
It's hard finding the balance between being kind and supportive (gently helping him out of the tunnel???), being sure to keep a healthy dynamic (not falling back into old habits which didn't work), boundary setting, and keeping my own emotions in check while dealing with the past, the present, and trying to find my way into the future.
(XH just called and apparently spent the day with his mom and is on his way home- she lives 1.5 hours away near the hospital where his dad is).
Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I feel like a crazy lady! I am sitting in this quiet house, near the cozy fire, yet my mind is like a boomerang. I've got to come up with a plan. A really good plan. Just about myself. How I will handle situations. What I want to be like.
Then I need to go somewhere. There is no possible way to get away right now. But I will figure something out.
So much for "as soon as this baby is born..."
Shining- I looked at plane tickets today- no joke! But they were too much right now. I will keep my eye out. Wouldn't a weekend be fun?
