I almost laughed when I read about your mom. I was thinking, "and she probably answered the phone with a gin and tonic in her good hand"
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But, yes, it still succks when--at least on the surface--you feel as if someone was chosen as the winner and you were the loser. Maybe that is the time to remove yourself from the contest.
That's always an option, amiga. Always.
One of the hardest things to do is to be rejected, especially by somebody you trusted. For whatever reason. It's fairly natural for a scorned person to look back and re-frame things. Heck, you're not the same person any longer, a fresh look is always warranted. And you can almost assuredly find a way to make the list balance in favor of "dirt bag" and "what was I thinking??" if you try. You could have years ago if you're honest with yourself.
So what really changed? Everything really. You are taking a fresh look at the person and YOURSELF and taking a look.
Kind of like the six blind men (not PC? - tough) describing an elephant. They each "saw" something different based on their current perspective.
Your perspective changed, so looking again, you might see things differently. YOU might need something different in your life that prior to the BD you didn't really put much thought into. At least not consciously.
You really did have a loving, mutually beneficial relationship for a lot of years. So did heather (at least the mutually beneficial part, right?) as did most of us. You didn't dream that. You didn't know what it was like to be hurt and rejected like this by your (ex-)husband. Once you did, you had to have a different perspective on things. So you see things differently and you see different things.
Or put another way, your priorities are different. Hence you filter out the unimportant things (in relation to your priorities) so you don't go mad
Bea's ex (and Job's and a few others) are in an elite class that few get to. I'm hoping mine doesn't get there but it looks like I won't get that for Christmas either. In fact I think she'll bring along a friend by the looks of it.
Which brings me to the other item - the hww. I know exactly what you're saying when you feel like it would be easier if he was with somebody other than hww. Anyone else would do, even if not you. I have had that same feeling in the past with my ex. It was the insult of insults to do what he/she did.
At the time, I suspect it was intended to be just that. An insult. In your case, I don't think ex intends that any longer and likely regrets it at some level and can't cope; he may never or you may not be around to see it. Bea speaks a ton of wisdom when she illustrates the dynamics of the conversation you might have with ex.
The ball is in your court. I don't advise throwing away your past to make yourself feel better. I do, as Heather suggested, think you should be honest about what you had, what you experienced, and keep in mind that you have a different perspective NOW than you did THEN.
And keep doing what works for you to keep your sanity. You don't owe anyone anything, Mighty. Except you.
Later Gator!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
