Strong EA after 2 yrs M #2 - The journey begins

[25yearsmlc]

Complex,

please notice that I asked you a lot of questions (before and herein).

Try to answer the questions asked, okay?

The way things went the last few days also caused sth bad.

Can you elaborate on this^^? I am not clear on your meaning.

With the snooping etc. I actually might have done the final push for her to be out.


That's always a risk with snooping. Did you say you had read the books, Divorce Busting and or, Divorce Remedy?

The books explain why snooping can be a bad idea. What do you think now? Can you STOP Snooping? Seriously, can you? I'm not being sarcastic.

You already knew of the affair, so what is the point, now, of MORE snooping?



One of her last texts was "things are becoming very real now".
Since then she went dark on me.
Is that a good thing or no?



Well, if you dig a little, you can probably see that it's not "good" thing when the WAS pulls away even more. But no, it's not fatal. I can't say what she means by "more real". What was the context of that comment?


Complex, You need to actually USE the Div Busting tools and Not just read about them. This approach to helping marriages in crisis, and it is Not something you just think about doing.

You have to DO it. Or resign your marriage. Figure out what you want to do, and then ask yourself a harder question.

What are you willing to do, to save your marriage, knowing that all your efforts might still fail?

From where I sit, you have not done any of the Div Busting techniques. So you cannot say that DB is not working.

Are you willing to try the techniques? What do you have to lose, that you're not already losing?

It feels horrible to me bc even with what was going on she seemed to care about me and texted me on a daily basis.
Is that script how things just usually go down?

You snooped and you got caught. THAT piece of it isn't that 'usual" b/c a lot of spouses do not snoop. And many who learn of an affair, Stop snooping once they know.

You kept on snooping and I still don't think you know why you do what you do. That needs to change.

What are the traits of yours, that YOU WANT to change? Let's start there.


Sure I can also use it to focus on myself but

Newsflash...you can ONLY focus on yourself b/c there is no one else you can control. You must only focus on yourself b/c you have to let her go for now.

The word "But",^^^ means the next piece of your sentence is nonsense. You are negating the first clause.

Meaning, you use the word "but" -- to contradict what you just said. That's because you do not want to focus on yourself,

and you keep on making this about what SHE is doing.

But now, this is all about what YOU are doing. Did you really read the book?
It puts the burden on us to change ourselves. That's the biggest single reason that divorce busting CAN work.

Because it's about us working on the only people we ever had control over; ourselves.


it feels like I lost my power over the situation - which I probably never did.


Since you never ever had control over your wife, that's not an actual loss.

As for the "Situation" , well, you were provided some options, but you did not use the DB techniques. You snooped and pursued.

Did you do any of the behaviors listed in the Newbie "rules"? (They are not "rules" so much as guidelines. All based on Michelle Weiner-Davis's books. And not all of the guidelines fit all situations, of course. But they are a good start).

I'm not trying to scold you. I'm trying to get you to focus your energy where it belongs and where it will do the most good.

Complex, if you become a man only a fool would leave, that helps you no matter what your wife chooses to do. Do you agree?

So let's get that program started.


But it's just like "now she's completely gone and I helped her"

You gave her reason to detach and distance herself more. True.

That doesn't mean she won't approach you again, later on. When she does, you must NOT snoop or pursue. Can you restrain yourself from doing that?

I'd use the guidelines for your guidance and FINISH reading the Div Busting book or the Div Remedy book (I prefer the second one, but have read both, more than once).

What's the present situation from a Legal standpoint? Has anyone filed anything? What are your citizenship issues, if any?

What is happening now, between the two of you and what did she say last?

I'm not clear on all of that, so I can't be more specific til I know.

But nothing is over and done. Besides, even if it were, there are still paths to follow.

Meaning, I have two family members who actually divorced each other, and then later on, remarried their former spouses.

So yes, it happens. (It was not "fast". It took a few years and they each changed and worked on themselves in the mean time. IF I recall correctly, none of them expected to reconcile. But they DID make changes in themselves)

You need to do at least 3 things now.

1) Read the book(s) to the end. Process it, take in the information and suggestions.

2) GAL. Meaning, start something, join something, explore something, DO something new and different, that you enjoy, for you.

You cannot detach, without GAL. GAL starts out to help you heal, and then to detach, & to become a happier, more upbeat person.

Even though this is for YOU, the fact is that a happier, more upbeat person is also a more attractive person.

3) Do your 180s. What are they?

We know you want to restore or rebuild your new marriage. We get that. That's your over all "big picture", goal.

There are steps along the way to achieving that goal. Some short term goals.

What are yours? The 180s are nice and simple, though not necessarily "easy".

One short term goal of yours (and most LBSers) is to:

CONTRAST the negative images your wife has or used to justify leaving,

with new different positives images of you.

So if she used to believe you were "always late", you will now be "Mr Punctual"!!

You will arrive early or on time for everything.

That^^ is a simplified example of a "180," that could be used to change the image a spouse has of their spouse. What are examples of yours?

You want her to believe that there is "new data" about you. OR that her data wasn't that accurate to begin with,

(but it's usually easier to convince someone of your changes & new behaviors, than to convince them that their views of you were never valid. )

Either way, the point is that you are NOT the way she believed you were.

So, if she were here, what would SHE SAY if she were here, about you?

Try to use specifics, & it'll be easier for us to help and advise. Okay?

Just b/c she SAYS something about you needs changing, may not mean it does. But whatever her complaints were, IF there are some that YOU yourself want to change, that's a great place to begin your changes.

Again, remember, Becoming the best man you can become, is the FIRST GOAL b/c no matter what else might happen, that's a victory for you.


Div Busting is different from most marriage problem approaches in 2 important ways.
1) it's solution based, so they focus on what helps you today, not what happened years ago or in childhood.

(Those issues can be important but they do not matter in terms of what you may need to do TODAY, to help your marriage. And they can best be solved with therapy for those issues, not your behavior right now)

Don't get bogged down in asking "WHY??" so much as WHAT YOU MUST DO, for now.

Plus, usually asking a lot of questions that have no "good" or satisfying answer, detracts from where you should be focussed, which is on yourself.

2) Div Busting puts the primary focus on OUR OWN GROWTH and improvement.

That often leads to us becoming better partners and that helps our relationships. It's something with a definite "pay off" b/c no matter what our spouse does, or chooses, we are better people for having done this work.

Do you understand? That's why we often say "save yourself first, then the marriage".

You can do both, and I know that is what you want.

But you cannot save the marriage without doing your own personal work. Start with yourself.

Make sense?