The anti-versary and other musings

[Train]

Hey, Nitty! So you and I are in the same anti-versary boat, eh? Now that we know, we can help each other through it.

I noticed that you posted this in the Infidelity forum rather than the piecing forum and wonder if you are having the same hesitation I am: maybe you're not really piecing (because you in your heart are not sure that you yourself are committed to piecing?)

A little back-story: I was here for almost a year after H's first A in 2005. In fact, news of S8's birth traveled fast on these boards, even though I wasn't posting much (but we were able to exchange emails then, and I was in touch with friends I made here even when I wasn't posting). I came back last year - under a different username because I couldn't remember my login info or find any old posts - and skipped Newcomers altogether to come hang with the big dawgs. (I specifically remember reading posts from Wonka - but I don't remember if they were addressed to *me* - from my first time here; isn't that weird?!?) But even when H came back to the M (again) in April of last year, I stayed here in Infidelity. Because this is where my friends are, and all my lingering issues are related to my H's infidelity.

But to more specifically address your question: I am 100% confident in myself. I'm just not fully confident - even despite my H's absolute best efforts since April - in HIM.

I do think, after A LOT of (ongoing) thought and introspection, that I'm very hung-up on everything because I was dealt two blows, eight years apart.

Thankfully, I have been able recently to isolate one experience from the other. I'm seeing that I didn't do things right when H decided to re-commit to our M when I was pregnant with S8 in 2005/06. That "reconciliation" felt so EASY and NATURAL. I've learned that should have been the first sign that we weren't doing it right.

This time has been grueling. I've wore it all on my sleeve. I've held little back. BUT, I'm not letting it all out in a punishing sort of way. Am I keeping him at an arm's length? Yes ... and no. I'm still really hesitant. I still immediately jump to terrible conclusions when he's not completely attentive (mostly because - helllllo? - he's tired from working two jobs, six days a week).

But I still wake up every day, deliberately choosing to meet his needs and to change some of my bad behaviors from before. And he's doing a great job of meeting MY needs and changing his own previously-bad behaviors.

I'm still struggling with the public thing, I admit. But I have to tell you, Nitty, that I had an epiphany the other day, and I don't know where it came from. I decided that I still don't want to "do" Valentine's. I'm not decorating for it like I usually do. No pictures of H and me. None of my framed bridal portraits on the mantel. But after H and I had a conversation in which he offered to take the kids on a date that night so that I could spend some time alone (or, as H suggested, with supportive friends), I kinda decided that I want to take that day back.

Mind you, I still don't want to see pink or red or hearts or any of that mess. I don't want H and I to look at it as an anniversary. BUT, H and I have been absolutely COMMITTED to going out every, single Saturday night since he came back home. That was his way of meeting MY needs of affection and intimate conversation. And V-Day - our anniversary - falls on Saturday this year. At first, that just added fuel to my angry fire. But the more I've thought about it? The more I've wondered WHY I would deny my H - and ME - our Saturday-night date that we've enjoyed since last spring. Would I do it because I just, well, can't BEAR to go out on that day? Or would I be doing it to PUNISH him? Ahhhhh, the tough questions ...

I came to the conclusion that 1. I would be doing it to punish him, and 2. It might be hard, but I will NOT give up my Saturday-night date-night because of hard feelings. I talked to H about it. I told him I might cry the whole time but that I promised I wouldn't lash-out or be angry. He has been amazing about it and told me he's willing to do whatever is best for me for that day.

All that to say ....

As the anti-anniversaries continue to slide by (now approaching "The Day He Moved Out To Be With OW And He Was Lying About It, Too"), I wake up every morning determined to keep the commitment I made almost 30 years ago, but also wondering if I am keeping a commitment to myself to do what is right for ME, rather than for US.

... I don't know if all I rambled about has given you ANYTHING positive or hopeful. But I really, really, REALLY think that there are - as others suggested - phases we go through. And, in time, they pass.

They tend to reach up and grab me when I least expect them.

But I've decided that I can wallow in it. Or I can beat it. (Fwiw, I give myself permission to wallow for a while, until I've found the strength to beat it. But when I need to "wallow," I come here to do it and try not to do it at home.)

I'm here for you if you need me, Nitty. I know the next couple months are going to be hard for both of us. Though we think about our experiences DAILY, when it comes to the anti-versaries, our psyches force us to think of the BAD memories. But we can take that power back and create better memories - even on the bad days - so that next year, we have something better to remember.

Can't find the group either, I've enabled PMs, hoping someone will PM it to me.
PMs have been disabled on the site for some time. When I was here in 2005, we were able to PM each other and were able to exchange e-mail addresses that way to stay in touch. I don't think the site nowadays wants to facilitate us finding each other outside of the forum, but I'm betting a secret FB group was formed before that was a site-policy (and during the years I wasn't here).

Hang in there, Nitty. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[twinmom]

I agree, I don't think the site wants us to be able to contact each other. Mdu is still on my mind and watto really had me worried until she updated.
I wish mdu would just check back and say she is ok.


On another note, I need to update and train I need your help but have been beyond busy to do anything but read a few lines when I get stopped by a train or extra long red light..... lol, right now I am in the middle of a 5 Guys burger mystery shop. Pay me $28 plus the cost of my food, sure I guess I can go eat alone. Lol!

[Train]

twin,

Heck yeah! That sounds like FUN! (Who would turn down the opportunity to be PAID to EAT?!?)

I think of mdu all the time and wonder how she is.

I'll be looking for an update from you soon, Miss.