T0324 continued part 4

[Train]

Oh good Lord. I think I *do* remember that - or at least the nuts and bolts.

I'm glad you found a MUCH better one!

I agree with your MC, too: I think you can see a pattern of behavior in your H where he makes really bad choices when he's stressed or under pressure. And, no, that's certainly not an excuse for his bad behavior. It's an observation.

The rub is: Your H is the one that has to recognize he needs to make some changes in himself ... and then he has to make the choice to make them. And one of your 180s could be in how you support that. (Basically, letting H figure it out on his own and letting him clean up his own messes.)

As an aside, the whole thing about you placing a boundary on your/family money not being used to pay-off the poor choices he made during his A? You said that was one of his big gripes to MC. Not taking responsibility for his own actions - and instead pointing a finger at someone else for his own bad behavior - is *another* pattern I'm seeing in your H. "She's snooping on my phone, so I started sleeping with my phone in my pocket." (You wouldn't feel the need to snoop if HE hadn't cheated.) And he's griped about YOU leaving him on his own to pay off debt he created while he was in an A? (That debt wouldn't exist if HE hadn't cheated.) I know I'm probably preaching to the choir on that one, but it was just a thought that occurred to me ...

But back to the original point: One concern is just how much work REAL piecing requires. And how stressful it is. At least in my experience, it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Again, I "pieced" in 2006 after H's first A that started in late 2005, but we did it wrong. I actually wrote on my own thread last night:

That "reconciliation" felt so EASY and NATURAL. I've learned that should have been the first sign that we weren't doing it right.

THIS time has been brutal by comparison. And, from where I sit, the piecing process is a lot harder on the XWAS (in your case, your H) than it is on the XLBS (you). It has been very stressful for my H. He says the guilt is sometimes overwhelming. The shame, the internal/self-directed rage, etc. Then there's the stress of thinking *I* am going to leave *him* ... the stress of watching me cry and try to wrestle with my own demons and doubts and questions ... the stress of dealing with the angry outbursts I had in the beginning ...

I think - if your H is committed and determined - that he can pull it off. But he hasn't shown the best track-record lately of being committed or determined ... or being able to operate well or make healthy choices under stress.

It's very clear that you are willing to keep your side of the street clean, T. That hasn't been an issue since I started reading your sitch many moons ago. Your H has a lot of work to do. But he has to decide to do it. And then get it done, knowing it will be "progress, not perfection." You're a good reason for him to do it.

Oh, and just to add to sandi's mention of you "helping" H; one of my favorite quotes:

"Do not deny someone the dignity of their own struggle."

Think about that one. It's a short quote but PACKED with power and possibility and opportunity.