I thought everything was okay.....(Part 3)

[Vanilla]

Yeah, I'm starting to see that this is the core of my problem and its causing me to get angry. I don't know how to drop these expectations totally. I think if I do, I'll see this person in her that I really don't like.

your choice not to like W, but you need to find things in W that are positive, she is the mother of your children!

I think I use my expectations to trick my mind into not dealing with reality, of what she's doing to me and my family.

MCS! It is your mind and your expectations, change it. Have no expectations. W is doing what W needs to do for W, your family is also her family too?

I 'expect' her to act a certain way, because in my mind it gives me comfort that my W is still inside this shell of whatever she's doing right now.

Your expectation, your comfort. You have control over this adjust and adapt.

However, when the expectation isn't being met, I get angry.

Your expectation, W has no requirement to meet your expectation. Is anger serving you here? W is who W is.

Fact of the matter is you guys see that anger, my friends see that anger, but then I fear to show her that anger, because I feel it will push her away.

You are right that you feel this in my opinion but it is her choice to withdraw.

I changed that this week and it did push her away.

Self fulfilling prophecy then. It's your anger for you to get help with. I have observed that anger originates from fear so generally that needs help. MCS have some help for your anger. If I were W then I would not want to be near an angry person, no matter how justified they or I believe that anger is.

I can't hold this stuff in anymore, its eating me alive. Its changing me to a place I don't want to go.

Urgent practical help is needed. And anger management, this is not good for your physical and mental health. Exercise may assist you as an emergency measure.

I need to fight the cause and not the symptom. Problem is, I can see if I do that, I fear it will be my point that I'm done in all of this. Maybe that's what I'm fighting, that I don't want her.....and I won't admit it to myself.

To my mind there is little point in making any decisions until you are calm and in control

You give an impression of entitlement, like she owes you something. She doesn't anymore and you don't owe her anymore. Every contract in the world can be broken. Your W has broken the contract. Yes, it's unfair. It's mean. It's illogical. BUT SHE'S BROKEN IT.

Mza I so agree with this

Yes, you're right. I do feel entitled. I feel entitled, it was called marriage.

I could write a whole thread on this! Why should W fulfil your entitlements in M?

In a marriage, she owes me and my family the opportunity to work through this, she owes us the truth, she owes us to be freaking nice and friendly in a time that everyone is hurting because of decisions she made.

No! And it is W family too, and inclusively not exclusively. MCS, excluding W will backfire on you. W is the children's mother work on inclusivity in that area.

Mozza, I'm typing this and just don't know why I'm still in this.

I'm a religious person and marriage is not a contract for me, its a commitment and a covenant. She's treating it like a contract. If it was a contract and I saw her for who she is right now, and I didn't 'expect' her to change or snap out of it, I would cancel the contract. Even the covenant of marriage, I have due cause, but I've been holding onto the fact that I still love her as the reason that I'm still here. Its just right now, I don't think she loves herself. If you can't love yourself, you won't let others in to love you. You asked me about empathy, that's where it is for her right now.

Mind reading MCS. Let yourself co-parent with W. W is not in tune with you and if you love W as I expect you do then get MCS help for this anger

She doesn't love herself and she's trying to find how to get it. If I keep that in my mind, it keeps me going.

Mind reading MCS. W seems to love herself well enough, I hope so as then she can love her children.

MCS apologies for two posts and not one, fat finger again.
Please get help for your anger issues, this is important as you move forward to co-parent your children. This is something that will connect you and W for life, yes I understand that you may be angry and that you feel justified in it. It is over running everything including detachment.

Vanilla