I thought everything was okay.....(Part 3)

[Vanilla]

- I had no chance to work on the R, W was deceptive for a long time and lulled MCS into thinking things were okay

of ourse you had a chance to work on the R, throughout the whole R you had a chance! We work on R throughout the R not just when times are rocky. You had not DB then, you know better now, that an R needs work even in the good times. MCS own the fact that you were happy lulled into thinking things were ok.

- I'm angry that things that W blamed about our M and me over the last year were things that were actual the things causing her A to be more difficult.

You can be angry about the A, but seems to me anger is not useful. You will keep tripping over your anger, and it prevents growth. Detaching will move you from anger.

I asked her to not be in the phone as much (MCS controlling)

did you ask or did you order? w when you spend key time on the phone then I feel upset, I would like you to spend x, y and z time with me and the kids.

I suggested she go into work on her days off, if she was overwhelmed with stuff to do (MCS not respecting her Indiv. Time)

As long as you did not order her to work then she could have offered the two finger gesture. W choice. As far as it is then validation is better, W, you are overwhelmed at work do you want to talk about it? Yes, I see, hear etc, what would you W like to do about it?

she told me I tracked her on the find my iPhone (MCS controlling)

Did you? If you did then that's prying snooping and not good. If you snoop you get poop. I know others believe otherwise but snooping is not good as a way of life.


Upset she only went out with her friends by herself 2-3x per month (MCS controlling)

her choice! Unless you physically stopped her or made a barrier for her going out. GAL is important to all of us.

-I feel I've let my kids down in keeping our M together

an illogical feeling, and controlling MCS, who says it is up to you alone to keep the M together? Are you in control of W, you know the answer.

-I'm hurt that she didn't feel she could tell me about any of her struggles

her choice!

- I don't trust her about most stuff right now

- She's lied and deceived me for over a year

- she used me to justify her A, saying I pushed her into it

yes, however it was her choice to go to an A! Ridiculous suggestion and I know you understand that wayward behaviour is completely inexcusable

- she used me to justify her Internet chats, saying I commented to her around that time that our intimacy had improved

this makes no sense to me in any way I read it.

- I feel hurt that she is shunning the people that love her and replacing them with people that are using her

your feelings not hers! You have no say and no entitlement to any say in this

- I'm angry she's identified it, yet still continues to harm another family

again your feelings, anger, not your sitch, not your place to judge or comment. Her conscience will judge her in the end, not your anger. You have better things to do that be angry MCS. Deal with your own sitch.

MCS, I can understand why you are trying to change your sitch. A number of the feelings you own are for others to own. Let go, detach. Righteous anger is an entitlement only for the self.

Be forgiving, move from a place of understanding and love, take that stance for your children. Please use the love of your children as a bridge between you and W and not as a barrier. Children come first ok? You and W are of lesser importance. Tap into that obvious love and joy as a father to extend warmth to their mother, especially in the presence of your children. In no way should children prefer mum to dad or visa versa, let go of this anger and move to peace. Resentment will eat your soul, it will erode your spirit and prevent you from becoming a man only a fool would leave.

MCS, you can do this. Lighten up, let go of the resentment and detach. You do not have to forget the harm nor an infringement of your barrier. If you and W ever reconcile or co-parent this will impede your progress.

Dearest MCS, be more at peace, enjoy your children and let go.
Stillness
Vanilla