Heather's Prison Break

[LoisB]

Thanks so much, I appreciate all the thought of goodwill.

Sooooo much :-)

Ok. So, over the years, I gathered all these books on procrastination and writer's block...mainly because I was so afraid that Smokey would leave me if I didn't conquer this demon. Go figure! He was excellent at finding my weakest link and aiming all his focus on the target so I wouldn't even think twice about HIS character defects.

Anyway...One of the books I purchased talks about a common theme among some procrastinators and it really fits for me...

Sometimes your instincts tell you that success will cause you harm in your relationships. So, a procrastinator will try to do it all and, hence, avoid the success that would come from truly throwing everything into achieving a goal.

This really fits for me. I know that, previous to motherhood, I was incredibly ambitious. In fact, I was a grad assistant working on my Master's when I became pregnant with D20. I was actually relieved when I got pregnant because I was burned out with being the ambitious, go-getter.

Now, I had watched my mother throw herself into starting a business to the absolute neglect of myself and my brother and sister. She left us to the care of a crazy stepdad. I picked up a lot of the slack with my siblings.

I've got to compartmentalize and allow myself to throw myself into my job during the designated time. D12 will be OK. I can schedule time for her, so she has a fulfilling life too. I think a weekly schedule is important so that I know she will be cared for and she will get her schoolwork done.

It's physically painful to me when I even imagine D12 is suffering because of me.

With D20 gone, it's easier for me to fix this particular problem.

And, yesterday was a perfect example...D12 is complaining last night that she just wants to hang out with someone her own age. OK. Everytime this comes up, I say, "Well, there's dance class and there's an art class that starts on Monday...let's sign you up and you can make some friends." Silence.

It's not my responsibility if she is unwilling to take the risks to make some friends. I can't do it all for her.

I'm going to sign her up for Art Class today.

If I plan for 1-2 hours each evening where we hang out and read or watch T.V. plus one or two outings during the weekend...is that enough of my undivided attention? I honestly don't know.

I do know that I wake up each morning dreading the day because I know there's more than I can possibly get done perfectly. I know I will have to choose and I feel like Sophie in Sophie's Choice. Choosing my job over my kid feels so wrong. I know the pain of being pushed aside by my mother.

But, this isn't the same. Is it?