Had to absorb the recent comments and really think about my replies:

Here are some thoughts:
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is it possible him withholding sex isn't entirely about children? Perhaps he has found a way to control your emotions in a passive aggressive manner by abstaining from sex with you. Women have done this and just because you are a woman does not mean a man cannot do it to you.


Oh yes, I think withholding sex by H it part of his p-a nature and his way to have control.

I get mad b/c if he had more sex with me, I would be nicer to him OR if I was nicer to him, we would have more sex. Egg-Chicken. Classic

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I flex the commitment based on the experience as I think my way is general better. Sometimes commitments are kept, but more over I do what I want. Can I change?

This is a big change. I think I can change. I think part of what I need to do is if there does need to be a change to a commitment, I have to get agreement with H. Also, I have to do some asking of H of which things are firm requests and which are just ideas...H does not clearly state things as I mentioned he has trouble with communication OR I need to validate, check in with him on what I heard. I started this yesterday with a decision we had to make...he gave an answers and later I validated what I heard from him and asked if it was his final answer. That seemed to work.

Any other ideas?

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how to look at it and really get rid of that toxic judgement

Can I just accept H for who he is? This is a big change for me b/c I am a type A, overachiever, planner who likes improvement, better, more. So I think it is more than just H I think it is if I can be satisfied with what I have, grateful. Does this make sense?

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Give him the time and space to be angry. Those are his feeling.

I am giving H space and have not talked R since I had the melt down 2 days ago. He is not staying with me, he goes 2 hrs away to stay at other home. He comes to house after work and tends to DD and then leaves. I am not asking him to stay, although it pains me every time he leaves I know it is the right thing for now..

But he is staying around to talk to me each time longer than before and he sits closer to me each time. He is kissing me and saying ILU and sending me check in text during the day

I am slightly testing waters to see what works. I sent a couple of text to him with nice quotes and he responded with thoughts back or ILU.

I also think about being like a lover more each time I talk to him. And also like a bestie.

Bestie is working for me, but like a lover not so much. I am still hurt and I want to be sure we get this right this time. We were too quick on our last attempts to heal so I do not want to move into lover mode, or should I say, I know we should not move into lover mode so we get it right. (quick fixes did not work)

Any other ideas?

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Is there a commitment you have made or can make to H and keep? That'd be a cool way to start.

Great idea: I have to think about this. I am leaning towards making the new house project truly our project. This is what I wanted as the thing that we do together and I am sure H thinks it will be all my stuff.
Is that just too big--I am sure house remodels may not bring out the best in people. I just want it to feel and be ours.