I thought everything was okay.....(Part 3)

[MCS]

Everyone,

Sorry that my posts are all over the place recently. I'm not sure if I'm 'done' or just detaching. Any help with that would be appreciated

I do know I'm feeling things (that are polar opposites) that I haven't felt since the sitch started: anger then opportunity, resentment then confidence. I've been thinking about what type of person would be compatible with me, started thinking about how to look at core values of other people. The overall sorrow and depression is going away. I'm still upset, but not sure if its because I want to hold onto my marriage or because I'm scared of the uncertainty of not being married.

Like I said, I'm all over the place.

Im curious MCS, save your W telling you she loves you and wants to make the M work, how do you want your W to act? What would you like her to do? Just be friendly around the kids?

I would just like her to act similarly to how she has been for the last 15 years. Not in the respect of being married to me, but just as a person in general. Its hard to explain, but it truly is like she has 180'd from the person she was, in just about every aspect. Its not just me that sees this, my SIL told me that W is totally different.

When I talk to her, she won't even look up at me or the counselor most of the session. Avoids making eye contact. She's shut out nearly all of her friends, her family, etc.

It really seems like she is a wreck inside, but is trying everything possible not to address it which is changing how she acts. Its mind reading and cliche', I know, but both times that counseling got really tough emotionally over the last few months that he talked to us individually, when I got back in there; I saw the person I knew in her eyes. Then when we started to talk, it was like she put the game face back on.

Do you really not want her or are you just saying this?

And this is where I'm all over the place.....I know I don't want the person she is today. I have absolutely nothing in common with this person.

I do want the person that I hope is still inside, trying to get out. I saw that person when I confronted her about OM for a few hours. She said stuff about herself that she needed to work on with an IC that was spot on. But then a couple days later was back to how she's been the last couple months. Other than that, like I said above, I see it in her eyes when something emotional comes into play, but then its shut back down.

I just don't know who 'she' wants to be, I'm not sure if she does either. So its weird and pretty derogatory to say, but my MIL used to say that when W and I started dating, I totally changed her. She was happy and content. But before MCS she was selfish, mean and angry.

I never gave this much thought, I know she had a rough couple years before she met me. But, during BD she said she has become someone that she's not. Blamed me for it, but I wonder if maybe she was chasing something all these years and never was content with what she had become. IDK, that's what causes me concern.

The whole marriage thing is where this comes into play. I'm not staying married because I'm religious; but I am still in it because this is the 'worse' of better or worse. That's where my patience comes into play. I know Sandi2 says that they start getting out of the fog when they start acting similar to the person before. Also, she told me OM was 'over' so that was moving me into this is how she's going to be from here on out, but now I see that R is not really over, I think this may still be fog/fantasy. I'm just at the point that I don't know where she's at. Still in the fog or this is the 'new' her?

I really do love my wife and pray that she is lost right now.

I'm trying to work on myself through all of this. Its actually that I see that the Mr. Nice Guy is what is being worked on. I've always been confident, but been a sucker for adapting my personality to whatever the 'status quo' is for the situation. Like Mozza said in his post, to avoid conflict. That's part of the difficulty I've had over the last couple months. I had to stop going in and just apologizing.