I most definitely acknowledge that I am in a state of panic. I can very logically see that I need to continually relax my mind and my heart.
It is so hard though. I went from having my best friend and love of my life with me everyday, from her just being completely gone and laying in bed by myself every night, with not the threat of divorce.....
I know patience, persistence in my unconditional love for her and working on bettering myself and keeping a clear mind are in my best interests though.
Maybe it is a trace that we are meant for each other in life. But I know what she wants out of life and in a life partner, and I have very critically considered what I want as well, especially since going through this. And at the core we want the same things.
I will genuinely and honestly show continual positive change in myself as time goes forward. I just don't understand how she will react to it if she is not even giving me the time of day. I want to make these changes for the betterment of myself as an individual, in addition to being the ideal partner she desires in life.
I'm definitely backing off from her friends and family. Unless they contact me, I am just backing off.
I do have a new job. Something that doesn't give me any stress and that when I leave work, I can leave work at work. It's not glamorous, to say the least. But it's work and I get a paycheck.
I do want to go see the country and the world! But I do want to go see it with her. If I went off on my own, I fear that maybe she might feel that I'm just moving on and that she should continue to move on too. I don't want her to feel like I am running away and leaving her behind. I know I have what it takes to go out into the world. But I so desperately want her to be there by my side, or I by her side.
We certainly have trouble with confrontation. I think this was a big problem. I know a lot of couples work through things by being confrontational and getting direct with each other. It is much better than what we were doing and sweeping problems under the rug or trying to rely on intuition for the other person to figure out what's going on.
I will keep GAL for myself. I realize this is probably the best thing I can do at this time. And maybe just give giving her a lot of space.... But again, I just feel like time is against me if she is still pursing a divorce. I just don't know if she is. And I don't want to ask about it or bring it up, at all. I have a close family friend that is a lawyer. I will approach him about what's going on and get some advice from him I think.
