I thought everything was okay.....(Part 3)

[MCS]

I really, really wish you would let go of your expectations regarding your W's behavior........You give her all that power over you.

Yeah, I'm starting to see that this is the core of my problem and its causing me to get angry. I don't know how to drop these expectations totally. I think if I do, I'll see this person in her that I really don't like. I think I use my expectations to trick my mind into not dealing with reality, of what she's doing to me and my family. I 'expect' her to act a certain way, because in my mind it gives me comfort that my W is still inside this shell of whatever she's doing right now.

However, when the expectation isn't being met, I get angry. Fact of the matter is you guys see that anger, my friends see that anger, but then I fear to show her that anger, because I feel it will push her away. I changed that this week and it did push her away. I can't hold this stuff in anymore, its eating me alive. Its changing me to a place I don't want to go.

I need to fight the cause and not the symptom. Problem is, I can see if I do that, I fear it will be my point that I'm done in all of this. Maybe that's what I'm fighting, that I don't want her.....and I won't admit it to myself.

You give an impression of entitlement, like she owes you something. She doesn't anymore and you don't owe her anymore. Every contract in the world can be broken. Your W has broken the contract. Yes, it's unfair. It's mean. It's illogical. BUT SHE'S BROKEN IT.

Yes, you're right. I do feel entitled. I feel entitled, it was called marriage. In a marriage, she owes me and my family the opportunity to work through this, she owes us the truth, she owes us to be freaking nice and friendly in a time that everyone is hurting because of decisions she made.

Mozza, I'm typing this and just don't know why I'm still in this.

I'm a religious person and marriage is not a contract for me, its a commitment and a covenant. She's treating it like a contract. If it was a contract and I saw her for who she is right now, and I didn't 'expect' her to change or snap out of it, I would cancel the contract. Even the covenant of marriage, I have due cause, but I've been holding onto the fact that I still love her as the reason that I'm still here. Its just right now, I don't think she loves herself. If you can't love yourself, you won't let others in to love you. You asked me about empathy, that's where it is for her right now.

She doesn't love herself and she's trying to find how to get it. If I keep that in my mind, it keeps me going.

Man, I'm all over the place....I feel the last week or so that I'm at the crossroads.

This is barely above beer banter, but I think as an engineer you're used to the laws of physics. You can rely on them. You're used to a predictable world. Now this is the most unexpected thing and it's touching your very core. It's very hard to accept that things can change so radically, especially for bad, arbitrary reasons. When you argue with colleagues over a technical solutions, you can use the laws of physics to win your case and crush their illogical arguments. In your sitch, you kick and scream for her to re-apply the well-known reasons for which you committed to her. You apply the laws of M. But she doesn't abide by them and, the sad fact is, she can.

This is very true, I will be coming back to this paragraph a lot.