The entire premise of DBing - and being here on these boards - is to really seek support to improve *ourselves* so we can become better people. I think many people come here looking for a magic bullet to save a M; I know I did when I was first here (under a different name) in 2005. But we quickly discover that the long-timers around these boards aren't here to give us a magic bullet (that could never be given anyway); instead, they put a mirror in front of our faces to help us consider and find the ways we can change/improve ourselves to be better communicators, better people and better partners.
But there's another side to that, or/but maybe I'm the only one who has struggled with this: I found myself, on several occasions the first time I was here, digging SO deep ... and being SO introspective ... that I started accepting at least partial blame for completely unacceptable things my H said or did. In other words, I was so inside my own head that I sometimes couldn't see what was right in front of my face. I allowed myself to start believing that *I* had done something wrong. I would ALWAYS find how *I* had contributed to my H's actions and behavior. (I should say: I've always been that type of person anyway: to question my responsibility in something before I start "pointing fingers" at others, so digging so deep - and having so many folks asking me what I could change in myself - maybe just kind of exacerbated that.)
At any rate, I, personally, draw a line at you accepting ANY fault or blame for supposedly pushing or pressuring your H to the point that he felt he "needed" to sleep with his cell phone in his pocket. Uhhh no. The fault wouldn't be in you being too hard on him with that. If anything, you were way too *lenient* by allowing him back into your home and life after an A without him agreeing to a comprehensive transparency plan.
On a list of what a LBS needs to begin to recover from an A, being able to openly and regularly look at his/her formerly-wayward's electronic communication - emails, text messages, browsing histories, etc. - is right up there with a no-contact letter to the XOW or XOM.
I dunno, T. I just sometimes think that some people who are newer at DBing - but trying super-hard to save their M - can sometimes accept TOO much blame. And as a result, they sometimes kinda leave their backbone at the door. And that IN NO WAY is going to help the confidence you so desperately need right now. (I'm not saying you're doing it; I just kinda want to bring it to your attention so you don't start ...) Leave FEAR at the door; keep your backbone with you at all times.
You're already being walked on by H. Don't walk on yourself too much, too. Does that make any sense? Or am I seriously the only one who's guilty of walking on myself?
Train,
I wanted to address this. Since the other thread locked, I decided to bring it over here.
I want to disagree with you about some of this. While I do think we can be too introspective sometimes and accept blame for things that we absolutly cannot control...(ie the weather)
In relationships, because we interact with each other constantly, we should always look at ourselves and how we acted, reacted, or did nothing and see what the impact of that might be.
What I think gets confused (especially with people new to that sort of introspection) is accepting RESPONSIBILITY (not blame or fault) for someone else's actions versus accepting our role (or lack there of) and how it affected the other person's actions or feelings.
I didn't make my X confide in other women instead of talking to me, however, when he did try to talk to me about things, often times I was not as receptive as I could have been to him. I did not create that "listening" type of environment that was welcoming to him. There were times that I was critical or angry or just not really even into hearing him. (Busy with the kid or whatever).
So while I absolutely did not and still don't accept responsibility for the choice that he made to go outside of the marriage, I do understand that I created an environment that made that a viable option for him. So I learned to change MY behavior.
I also understand that I have the potential to create a situation that is similar in my current relationship if I am not mindful of me. If I let myself slide back into my old patterns, I could become as unwelcoming an ear to my BF as I was to my X.
That being said...I do believe in transparency in a relationship, however that goes hand in hand with the idea of Trust but Verify...
There is going to come a point in time where the checking of email, text, phone records, needs to stop. Otherwise you simply are taking on the role of a warden instead of a partner.
Anyway...just my thoughts.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
