Strong EA after 2 yrs M #2 - The journey begins

[25yearsmlc]

Regarding family I want to make them aware so bad. I'm trying to ask myself what my intentions are tho, and what they should be.
I don't want to just plainly get them against W and D.


I think if you dig even just a little, you'll see what your motivations are and they are not what they "should be". The DB books address this^^ too.

Act in accordance with your GOAL, Not in accordance with how you Feel...

But I have this urge to make them aware of how much she changed.


"Changed" or "DONE WRONG"? And Why do you have this "urge"?

Perhaps To get them as allies and have her seen as...."Wrong". But they will always LOVE HER no matter what. If you are the messenger to them that their daughter or family member is "the bad one", what do you really believe they'll do, in the end?

Here is what my DB coach told me: "It's Not a spouses job to 'teach a lesson' or 'show them the consequences of their choices',

b/c Life does that."

Most of the time a LBS wants to "expose an A", it's b/c they are hurt and angry. Period.

Now, I'm not suggesting you pay for or enable her to cheat on you and lie.

But telling her family and loved ones about it, imo, will probably backfire on you big time. Certainly in her eyes. But also, sometimes, even in the 3rd parties eyes.

Here's a true story of what I mean.

I am an "administrator" on my high school class page on FB. (So only I can delete things. Who knew?)

Awhile back, several classmates wrote to me and asked me to "delete some weird/angry" posts from a classmate's wife. I went and read the posts.

There, the classmate's wife (and LBS) wrote to our class. She said that she hoped

"OW won't steal your h's like she stole mine last year at the reunion!"

(**BTW Both OW and her h, are classmates**)

While I felt sorry for the LBW (of course we here on a DB site, would),

I also did not think she'd chosen a very appropriate place to fume at her stbxh.

I deleted the post, as per the requests AND my own judgement.

Later on, about 5 different people wrote to me, privately AND in public on FB.

Not one said a kind word about the wife; rather,

Every single comment seemed very unsympathetic to her.

They called her a "spurned woman", "obviously bitter" and "pathetic". AND someone said "no wonder h left her" (OUCH).

Last but not least, people reached out to OW, the classmate and asked how SHE felt..

I can only shake my head for the LBW b/c I'm sure her goal was NOT to have people feel pity or contempt for her, but they did.


No one said a bad word about the h, OR the Other Woman So whatever the Left Behind wife's goal was in exposing, it totally backfired and I don't think that is a rare example. I think it's common.


I'm not going to do anything yet tho until a therapist or counselor looked over my whole case and gives me a proper advice after analyzing my situation.

That's ^^^ wise.

Dig deep inwardly, about WHY you feel "the urge". If it is not coming from a healthy place of love or "light", it's probably not you at your best.

And fwiw, it's not just "Exposing" that you have to do this with. Pretty much every ACTION I wanted to take for or against or about my h, back then, required me to be very honest with myself.

Many times, many...I wanted to punish or hurt h but I would tell myself things like "it's just fair" and or "Honesty!" But in reality it was me and my anger that motivated me for the most part.

I learned to watch for that b/c it's NOT me at my best. And this situation, more than any other in my life, required me to be at my best.

Make sense?




Today I'm looking at other women and some seem nice and attractive.
How do you guys hold it with OW or dating or just 'playing' around a bit to boost confidence? I want to stay true to my values tho...but a man after all

What does that mean to you? Does it mean "boys will be boys"?

Does it mean you have testosterone and thus, you are entitled to cheat and or have sex without love -- b/c after all, "a man" would...??

I have 5 brothers whom I love, and an adult son and a h....lots of men I love in my life.

Not one of them would say this^^ in a serious tone, AND believe it means they can cheat while also complaining about their wife doing just that.


Complex, here's a question for you.

When you see the words below, how do you feel?

"well She's a woman, after all."


well?? Just asking.