Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[25yearsmlc]

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I think whatever you decide to do about the contacting--or NC, you need to be consistent. When you respond part of the time then get angry and refuse to answer, that's not good. It is not giving her a clear picture of you.
- Try your best to get your focus off of W's thoughts and actions, and focus on those two priorities.

YES^^^^

Hello Sandi. Thank you so much for this post. You are right that I have not at all been consistent. In the last 24 hours I've gone from extreme NC all the way to "listening like a lover." Time for me to choose...


Well, there are 2 separate pieces to this^^. ONE piece is what works for YOU, right now. Meaning, as long as you are as Undetached as you are, you have to have minimal contact (that's on you, btw)

And second, what works for THE R....ie what seems to bring you close to your goal?

So let's see if we can find any clues...

Last night S12 had basketball practice. W did not show up to talk as I said I would not.

After practice, I told S12 that he would spend tomorrow night with W as scheduled. He did not like that and wanted to talk to his mom. He called. She did not answer.

The entire drive home he tried to call but no answer. This was stressing him out. I talked to him to calm him. Said she was probably at work. Told him to leave a message and send a text which he did. Even so, by the time we got to the condo he was upset. I was irritated too.


Why do you get so mad when HE can't reach her BUT you make it impossible, sometimes, for her to reach YOU? I mean, doesn't it go both ways?

Yes, it's her son but isn't she "allowed" to be busy or in a shower when he calls without notice? It's not ALL about an OM, or is it?

Even so, he got in the shower and was soon happy and singing. I texted W... "S12 has been trying to reach you."
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When S12 got out of the shower, he call W. He started to talk angrily and
disrespectfully and I corrected him.


good^^^and you do this, btw, NOT b/c you are a good husband but b/c you are a good FATHER. This advice is for your son, not your w. Do you see?

Even so, he showed his mom he was upset and said "Why aren't you here? Just solve your problem and come live with us!"
W asked to talk with me. She was upset. Saying she was looking at an apartment to help S12. That he didn't like to stay at aunt's house. Asked me again to take him most nights. She would drive him to school. She was very agitated.

I let my irritation show about her not answering. Told her I didn't want to here her excuses.
When she angrily said S12 only called her 2 times when he had been trying for 30 minutes... I got angry.
It turned into a very angry R talk.

to ME, this^^ is an example of something NOT working.
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So we're in a bad bad place. I don't feel it's the right place.

I'm remembering 25 and Chuck talking about "listening like a lover." I try to think of W. I know from her email that she is lashing out scared like her IC told her. Remember all the comments how she is trying to be a good mom. Remember all the 2x4's about being a good dad and being polite. - I call her.
- She starts to talk about him. I can hear she is fighting not to cry. I ask her to tell me what's wrong. She says nothing. She says she's not feeling great and starts to cry.

I listen. I ask her about her work day. She opens up and tells me all about it.


I listen and ask her questions about what she says. She keeps talking. Talks for 20 minutes about her work and plans for business. --- She keeps saying thank you for asking. She keeps crying a little.

She asks me about my work. I tell her about my project.

She thanks me for talking with her. How much she appreciates it. How shocked she is that I called..
She offers to pick up some groceries for us on the way to drop S12 off here. I tell her to get S12's breakfast food.

She says if I want anything else to text her. I say bye and hung up. A little later, I text her food that she would know is for me. She replies... "OK!"

S12 just called me. Says he and W are going to stop for burritos. Asks if W can get me one. I say sure.

So complete inconsistency. I don't know what works.


Seriously? ?

You "don't know what works"??? TO ME -- THIS^^^ worked!

In large part b/c you were NOT attaching your expectations to it,

you were not so invested in her reaction; You were simply being YOU being compassionate. That is the beginning of healthy detachment.

AT least from where I sit.
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I just showed I can be friendly when we talk like we used to. When I show interest in S12 and her day. It fits what DB Coach Chuck and 25 tell me about empathy. My W wants acceptance and to be listened to. She knows what she did and is doing is horrible but she says she can't let go.

So I can kill her with kindness. This would be a major 180 for me to keep going this way. Somehow distant and friendly. Leave my ego someplace else and be humble about my part in all this. Sit with her at a table and have lunch. Risk feeling like a doormat.

How are you "risking feeling like a doormat"? Let me reword that. DON'T RISK IT.

You can be polite and show compassion without being a doormat. To think otherwise means you cannot be loving and detached. And That's not true.