See if this story helps illustrate the point I’m trying to make, however feebly. It's a true story...
I grew up with a neighbor who was a retired Army Colonel. He had been a POW for several years, in Vietnam.
He and his wife had 5 kids. Years before they moved into our neighborhood, the Colonel had had an affair with some OW. How did I, a young 17 y/o girl and neighbor, know that the Colonel had had an A?
Oh, I knew b/c everyone knew, b/c "Mrs Colonel" made sure we all knew, so we would not think he was such a great guy.
There were times I wanted to ask the Colonel about his POW experiences. But Mrs. C- would steer the topic away. I truly believed for years, that she was protecting him from a bad memory.
Then l learned that she simply didn't like him getting that type of attention.
At the time we knew the family, the Colonel was kind, funny, handsome, strong, and really just a good guy. Yes, we DID admire him.
In contrast, SHE was a bitter, small person. She made a snide remark for her h at every turn. From how he over cooked the grilled meat, "as usual", to undermining the value of an Army reference letter he wrote for my h. She could NOT give that man a kind word to save her soul.
She never praised him in front of her kids or us, and she would undermine or question a compliment others would give him. She seemed to live to make him pay. I'm not exaggerating.
She was NOT kind to him at all. Seemed like she never let him forget what SHE had endured & what HE had done to her.
Today, 3+ decades later, only 1 of their 5 kids is married, their only son. It's his 2nd (or 3rd? marriage).
The others -all daughters-- are all single. 2 never married, which is unusual these days. The other 2 daughters keep on getting married, repeatedly.
IMO, the choice that Mrs C- made was the worst of all choices.
She could have divorced him. AND OR She could have gone to counseling and therapy, to learn how to forgive him.
But instead, she made the worst AND maybe the most tempting choice; she stayed married AND stayed miserable.
She never let Colonel forget his sins.
She held it over his head like the Sword of Damacles.
She threw it in his face (or threatened to) every time they fought.
She did NOT Forgive him and she did not even try to. Not in a serious humbling way. She learned nothing about herself or her role in any of it.
Ironically, from where we sat, from what WE saw, at the time we knew them, HE was the victim and she was the wrongdoer...
She was not a woman we sympathized with. I think she should have let him go when she found out about the A; OR as soon as she realized she could not forgive him; AND OR she should have learned how to forgive.
She could have left her children a beautiful legacy. She COULD have taught and passed on to them, the concepts and practices of true forgiveness, real redemption, deep love, and full commitment.
Instead, she passed onto them dark suspicions, distrust, cynicism, bitterness and BIG time grudge holding. I'm pretty sure she held onto her "Grievance list" forever. Talk about keeping a record of wrongs...She did not think he "deserved" forgiveness -- so she overlooked how many others were affected by her choice not to forgive.
I wish she had heard what I heard a few years back, which was "Holding onto anger, to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,
----- ----- ----- to get smoke in their eyes."
Pie, we are all here supporting you. You can do this.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
