not healing

[25yearsmlc]

I feel like if I were to go to acouncellor it would be like letting the flood gates open- I feel like the only thing keeping us together was me not 'exploding' .

Pie, going to a counselor doesn't mean you have to come home and explode at your H. It could be a safe space for you to talk about what's still upsetting you and the counselor could help you come up with a plan to improve the situation for yourself. Do you feel like your H has done everything you've needed him to? Is there anything you need from the m that he isn't providing?


From what you said here (and amend it if need be) it SOUNDS as if the problem of forgiveness, is yours.

So, how was forgiveness modeled for you in your childhood? (I never saw it growing up). For some of us, it's a learned skill and for ALL of us, it's mandatory to staying married.

Meaning, all long term marriages require forgiveness of the other spouse, at some point. We all hurt ourselves and or our spouses at some time. We have to learn to forgive and we must learn how to accept forgiveness as well.

Have you spoken to a minister/priest or someone spiritual? I say that, b/c for believers, forgiveness is partly a spiritual matter.

For others, it's all emotional or moral, and usually we need guidance. For me, it was all 3. I wanted to forgive but somehow I felt as if forgiving was risking. It's not really. I came to see that Not forgiving, was as risky as forgiveness was. Maybe more so.

IF you want to forgive, and I do mean "if", you still may need to learn HOW to forgive b/c like I said, some of us never saw it growing up.

Have you heard of or read the book "After the Affair"? I'm told it can be helpful.

Also, Marianne Williamson has some books out that include exercises of forgiveness. I got a lot out of her books, though some find her too "new agey".

"Return to Love" and "Handling Our Fear/Anger" are among the ones I found most useful

(I might be wrong on the title of the second one but those words are included)

I hope this or other posters helps.