Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

[gogofo]

What do I want? I am not sure of everything, but I have some ideas; I plan to work on this and write them out.

Where am I right now?
I know my W said she is done, so I am going to believe her (as hard as it is). I know I cannot MAKE her love me, it hurts and is hard to give into, but I cannot make her love me. I know I need to work HARD on myself and believe in myself. I need to let go of thinking I have control, or trying to control things.

I had glimpses of this and was doing pretty well with this mid summer last year. I let life get in the way and moved my focus from ME to US and HER. This did not work. She was more into me when I was my own man and doing my own things, not worrying about her stuff. I like to help her with her stuff, but worrying about her things was not/is not my job.

I need to be me, for me. I need to find out what was missing in myself that causes me to become clingy and needy and pressuring her and fix it in myself so I am a whole person. I don't want to be a person who needs his W to make him feel whole. I want to be whole and let my W fill my cup until it runs over.

I am going to move my things into the basement. It is a step into a place I fear, but a necessary step. I need to face my fears and understand them. I get excited and then paralyze myself from action with my fears. I get ideas about things I want to do, etc. and then I stop and don't go after then or try them. This non action with me is a frustrating issue.

If I try to stay in the master bedroom it will be because I would expect her to feel closer to me at night and fan the embers of our R. It will not happen and is me being needy, I don't want to be that. I also don't think I will be able to keep my hands off her at night. I would be grabbing for her hands or trying to put my foot against hers.

The physical separation will allow me to focus on me. I stop reading and working the boards and myself when we are around each other. Not good for my growth. I need to focus on my independence and grow it. I don't want my life to be focused on my W.

Goals:
Focus on me for me, not me for my wife. This will take TONS of work.

Move into the basement bedroom. This will be the first step to clear my mind and think about myself and my life and what I want.

Find goals in life besides fixing my M. Fix myself and see who wants to going me on my ride.

Try to understand my non-action, mental block thing that I have that keeps me from starting or completing things.

Become someone that has a plan most of the time, Instead of waiting for other's plans and deciding what I am going to do after the fact I need to have a plan for what I want to do.