Another thing I wonder about is family involvement. We might be close to let her family know/can't hide it any longer. (Family is big, very loving, very high values). What's the procedure on that? I'm sure she won't tell them the whole truth like she didn't tell me. Should I play along or meet with them before/after very confidential, with no blaming, understanding and love and let them know the truth?
That's a personal decision based on your core values. Personally, I loved and respected my MIL and FIL way too much to lie to them, and so I didn't. But there are risks, you've got to be of the right mindset (and I think you seem to be reeling a bit), and it's NOT strict DB teaching. I certainly wouldn't lie to them if they asked me outright, though.
