How to start rebuilding? - 2

[Hoju]

The new place is really nice, it's not as nice as the house which I seem to regret more and more letting go of... can't change that now though. Much of the furniture is stuff from the house, W took pretty much all the new things we bought together and left me the items we inherited from my parents, their is some comfort there. I'm not really one for decorating so it's pretty barren but I'm hardly ever home so as long as the bed is soft I'm happy.

I did break out in a weird rash on my forearms and back. Not sure why as I've never had an allergy to anything. I just hope it's not something hidden in the apartment like mold or some chemical in the water. Been about 3 days now and not sure if I should be checking with a doctor or just ride it and see what happens.

Changes are going well. My life is full of activities and as mentioned above I'm almost never home. Still staying off the video games, looking back now I can't understand why I thought they were so important.

The delivery went not as hoped but as expected. "Here you go" "thanks" "bye". It's sad but that's probably the last time I'll see W.

[Hoju]

I recieved an email from W today letting me know about the lawyer bill and what my half of the payment would be. She also said the lawyer can put through the divorce papers now, they wont be effective until july (1 year min separation in canada) but essentially everything will be filed now, if I was ok with this.

I don't know what to do, obviously I'm not ok with this but what choice do I really have in the matter? Should I tell W it's not what I want?

I have no reading on where she is at as we haven't really spoken in months. I also avoid the topic when hanging out with mutual friends and family. I would assume OM is still in the picture but I have no way of knowing for sure. Could she be looking at this as a way to take the temperature of where I'm at or is that just wishful thinking?

[jim0987]

What do you feel would be the gain from either not agreeing or by saying something?

Did you get that rash checked out

[Hoju]

Honestly, I have no idea. In the long run I don't suppose anything I say will matter much at this point. I guess my fear is that by just saying go ahead it will close the door forever. Where as if I say something like I would rather wait it leaves the door open ever so slightly, but then will it turn her off to think I'm still interested? I don't want her to think I'm just sitting around pining over her. How do I say wait without sounding needing?

The rash went away on it's own so all good there, still no idea what may have caused it.

[jim0987]

Does saying wait Really close or open the door any more or any less - I'm not sure it does.

Given where you are at my feeling is that something more positive is the right response. Something that says your moving on so not bothered either way.

Probably not a bad idea to post a draft for people to look at

[bdub]

Hoju,
Good to see you again old friend.
Could you respond to her and tell her you need a little time to think it over? Also, how are you getting roped into paying half the lawyer bill? She walked, not you.

[Sotto]

Hi Hoju

I think the standard DB response would be to say - This isn't what I want, but I respect your decision and won't stand in your way if this is what you want to do.

[Hoju]

Thanks for the replies

Jim my main concern is we don't have any kids or any reason to ever talk again. If I say just go ahead and file then it's over now, if I postpone until july it might give her a chance to realize life isn't all sunshine and rainbows on the other side of the fence. I will definitely post a draft later today to get some feed back.

Hey bdub, been a while it's good to see you again. I'm not sure this is the kind of thing I can think over as there really isn't much to consider, either I'm done or I'm holding on hope. I conceded half of the lawyer fee as my W was very fair about the splitting of the finances, without going into detail I had a lot more to lose financially then she did.

Hey toots, thanks i think that's the method I'm going to use, I'm sure she will say file now but at least i will have tried.

[bdub]

Hoju,
You can tell her you need time to decide if now is the right time to file. Ask for 2 weeks and settle for a week.
I agree with toots. When you do give her an answer it should be similar to "this is not what I want, but I respect your decision and will not stand in your way"

Regarding the finances: Smart move. If you have a LOT to lose financially, you might consider agreeing to file right now, that way she cannot change her mind. I don't know the exact numbers but your chances to R are about the same regardless of the status of the legal filing.

In my sitch I am pushing to file quickly because she has been making changes to our original agreement and I am trying to protect my finances and my 50-50 time split with the boys.
Once it gets filed she cannot make any more changes.

[Nitty]

First... get all your finances and legal work taken care of. You need to protect YOU.

Then I would tell her, "I don't want to end our marriage, but I won't stand in your way. I respect your decision but I disagree with it. I'm sorry I tried to hold on to you when you didn't want to be held." No sarcasm or extreme grief. Just a gentle sadness but determination to move on.

Don't keep worrying that you'll say the wrong thing that will end all chances of reconciliation. Thats not how it works.

If she realizes it's not all sunshine and rainbows out there, and she wants you back, she will come back and try. In the meantime you'll use her absence to focus on you and being the best man you can possibly be... and for YOU, not for her.

And the above is the speech I gave myself so many times. Just FYI. I had to tell myself this over and over and over.