I thought everything was okay.....(Part 3)

[Mozza]

I still love her and want to make this work out, but I'm just getting so frustrated with her behavior.

I really, really wish you would let go of your expectations regarding your W's behavior. To me, and I'm no therapist nor vet, it is the center of your problem. You keep expecting her to behave a certain way and then you get upset when she doesn't. You give her all that power over you.

I don't know how to tell it to you so that it gets through. Let's try a metaphor. You married a dog and she turned into a cat. She's a cat now. She doesn't come when you whistle, she's not jumping up and down when you open the door and she doesn't fetch a stick. Stop expecting her to do all these things, accept that she's turned into a cat.

You come here and say: "I threw a stick and she didn't fetch it!" We could all tell you: of course she won't, she's a cat now. So your WAW is not going to feel guilty, she's not going to care about your emotions, she's not going to parent like before, seek happiness with you, etc. None of the WAW do. You need to shrug it off.

Or perhaps you need to think of it as a mental illness. Or an accident. If she had a car accident and was in a coma, would you get all upset that she doesn't reply to your questions? Even if she was replying to your questions just the day before?

You give an impression of entitlement, like she owes you something. She doesn't anymore and you don't owe her anymore. Every contract in the world can be broken. Your W has broken the contract. Yes, it's unfair. It's mean. It's illogical. BUT SHE'S BROKEN IT. She's not a dog anymore, she's a cat. You alone are in this M with the known set of rules. She checked out. She doesn't react like a W anymore.

This is barely above beer banter, but I think as an engineer you're used to the laws of physics. You can rely on them. You're used to a predictable world. Now this is the most unexpected thing and it's touching your very core. It's very hard to accept that things can change so radically, especially for bad, arbitrary reasons. When you argue with colleagues over a technical solutions, you can use the laws of physics to win your case and crush their illogical arguments. In your sitch, you kick and scream for her to re-apply the well-known reasons for which you committed to her. You apply the laws of M. But she doesn't abide by them and, the sad fact is, she can.

The good news, perhaps, is that she won't escape the laws of human nature. She'll feel the sting of her bad decisions sooner or later. Hopefully, it won't come from you otherwise she'll blame you. But life will teach her a few lessons sooner or later. Get out of the way.