Thanks, everybody. Today was the start of a three day family party -- we have the best weekend planned. Then I get the kids for the next week too because STBX is traveling -- and it happens to be S8's birthday, so three more days of family fun.
I have zero hope of reconciliation. I don't have the inclination now to explain about the one night stands, but it pretty much put the nail in the coffin of my respect for him. (Don't want to ruin the good feeling of my evening with the kids) I am sad about it, but I don't think he could ever behave in a way that could make me willing to trust him again. I'm just done. Maybe he'll regret all this. Maybe he won't. Not my monkey, not my circus. I appreciate the compliments, though.
I WILL be moving house, however, which will be a massive undertaking. I am nervous about it and also excited. I spent years fantasizing about a nice calm home of my own. Well, I've got three kids, so it won't be very calm, but charming, artistic, relaxed, and welcoming -- those I certainly can achieve. I'm looking forward to seeing how it turns out.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Do you feel anxious if you don't have a "project"?
That has been true in the past but at the moment I feel like I have an over-abundance of projects. There are all the little ways the house has gotten away from me. There is the divorce itself. The prospect of moving, which is very real and in no way me jumping the gun (buying a house might be but moving is not). If I don't move before the end of the summer I'll most likely have to stay in the house through another winter, and that is not something I am up for AT ALL if I'm going to be single. Then there is career movement -- I'm going to have some licensing and CE responsibilities coming up and I'd like to be well settled and not in the middle of a move when I start studying for that, considering I'm a single full-time working mom of three kids hanging on by my fingernails as it is. And that's before I even consider GAL, my social life, or the NEED to get back in my exercise groove.
I am starting to like myself a lot more. To find my life easier. When I relax I'm truly relaxed -- when STBX lived here I felt tense all the time. I am happier. That doesn't mean everything will be easier, but there's enough space for me, and that is a very good thing.
I'll try to write the rest of the story about the meeting tomorrow night.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
We spent 20 minutes or so talking in a very friendly, natural way about the kids. It was like being on a date.
Then he said, well, what do you want to talk about? I said, you called this meeting, I'm here to listen. He sighed and said, Fair enough.
Then he started talking about getting the process going. Said he'd seen a lawyer and wanted to move things forward. I said, will you please be straightforward with me? He mumbled, really low, "I want a divorce." I said, OK, that's fine.
I'm sure that wasn't the best way to agree with him, but it was the best I could do in the moment.
He said, I don't see anyway back for us. I don't know what to try anymore. I thought, I do know some things we could try... but is it worth the effort? So I said, Did you cheat on me before OW?
He said, No. I said, are you really, really sure about that? He said, I didn't. I said, You never did anything inappropriate with any woman before OW? He said, Well, I had a couple of one night stands when I was traveling.
So I said, no I don't see a path back for us either.
I don't remember what was said to transition out of that topic.
He said next, It would be really great if we could sell the house by the summer. I said that I absolutely wasn't going to live through keeping a house walk-through ready while it was on the market, especially since he chose it and closed on it knowing he was having an affair. I said I was not physically capable of making that effort now that I'm working full time. He bumbled around some things that could be done to reduce the impact of that on me. I didn't really say anything. I'm the one living in the house, with my lawyer I will be the one to decide how to cope with that. I have some thoughts.
He said he wanted to keep things friendly, I said that would be best for everyone.
At some point, I asked if I could have done anything to have changed his trajectory and he said no.
He cried kind of a lot and I did too, but in a controlled, leaky way, not in a BD kind of way.
We talked about the kids. He asked me to make them reply to his texts. I said no, that was his to fix. He said OK.
I can't remember exactly how we filled out the rest of the time. We talked for a total of two hours. We agreed to meet monthly to discuss the kids.
I asked him if he was planning on staying in his apartment. He said yes, why? I said that the kids might do better with him if his place felt more like home to them. He thought about it, I saw his defensive look cross his face, and then he said, "It's a real pain to move." I said, OK.
At the end I said I was sorry we'd ended this way, that I'd married him for a reason and this wasn't what I'd hoped for from us. He said, "Ditto." I said, Could you please say the words? He mumbled out that he'd married me for a reason too, and then he showered me with compliments, and then he started crying kind of hard and AND I"M SORRY. I said "I believe you." Then we left.
I do think he's sorry. I do think he sees what he let get away. But he also IS the person who expects me to move and sell the house for his convenience while being unwilling himself to move for the improvement of his relationship with his kids. He thinks effort is for other people. That's the person he's always been. When we married, it worked, because things came to him effortlessly. Now he's just That Guy. The one who doesn't even think one night stands with random strangers are relevant to his wife.
I can do better, even if better is just me. I feel really surrounded by people who care about me, think about me, want good things for me. I realized the other night that I'd treated myself as invisible. Like people don't think about me or care about me unless I'm right in front of them. But that's not true at all. People do think about me and I see evidence that I matter. Many of them are even willing to do something to help me get good things.
And there is the little matter that I don't want my kids to think that people don't think of them. I don't want them to feel invisible. Each of us is worth effort.
Now I've got to run, but I feel strong. I'm going to have a good day and a GREAT weekend. All is well.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Then he said, well, what do you want to talk about? I said, you called this meeting, I'm here to listen. He sighed and said, Fair enough. He can't even say what he wants to discuss because it's a difficult topic.
Then he started talking about getting the process going. Said he'd seen a lawyer and wanted to move things forward. I said, will you please be straightforward with me? He mumbled, really low, "I want a divorce." I said, OK, that's fine. Again, avoiding to be straightforward. Good on you for forcing him.
He said, No. I said, are you really, really sure about that? He said, I didn't. I said, You never did anything inappropriate with any woman before OW? He said, Well, I had a couple of one night stands when I was traveling. This is the most baffling thing bout him. I can't get it in my head. Then again, WAH lie. And if he wants to avoid a conflict, of course he's not going to bring up ONS.
He bumbled around some things that could be done to reduce the impact of that on me.
He said he wanted to keep things friendly, I said that would be best for everyone. Of course, that's one of the few things he's going to ask openly.
At some point, I asked if I could have done anything to have changed his trajectory and he said no. I know you take some solace in this, but I think he only wanted to avoid the difficult discussion of telling you what you did wrong. What's the point for him now?
We talked about the kids. He asked me to make them reply to his texts. I said no, that was his to fix. He said OK. Can't face his kids!
I asked him if he was planning on staying in his apartment. He said yes, why? I said that the kids might do better with him if his place felt more like home to them. He thought about it, I saw his defensive look cross his face, and then he said, "It's a real pain to move." I said, OK. He couldn't say: I don't want to move. You've been generous to let him out before he said it.
I said, Could you please say the words? He mumbled out that he'd married me for a reason too, and then he showered me with compliments, and then he started crying kind of hard and AND I"M SORRY. He completely loses it when confronted. He's trying to defuse the whole thing with compliments and tears before it turns conflictual.
Seriously: your H belongs in a lab.
Maybell: you're one of the people I admire and respect the most around here. Your H is one of the WAH I respect the least. It's even hard for me to hope for a reconciliation. I love to see you gaining strength and confidence. I really, really wish I could hear back from you in five years time because you're going to soar without him.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I'm with you on JCred...although I will admit to saving one (just one) of his posts. I wonder what his deal was to feel the need to throw...I should say try to throw...vets like 25 and Mr. Bond under the bus.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
