Shocked by W

[hjoseph]

Gathered from my counseling sessions for PTSD: My insecurities. Undervaluing my worth. The constant feeling of shame for what I did on deployments. They led me to think I was unworthy of the life I was living. To hide how I truly felt, I attempted to maintain the persona of the husband I used to be prior to my commissioning and when I failed, I lied.

DR has taught many great things about M. Especially, the M map. I have adopted many principles learned from DR. Its' a shame I didn't stumble on it before my separation.

To answer your question, my W knows me best. Any changes I have made to myself, she assumes its for her or R and are not permanent. However, I still monitor the results but no changes. At first, I thought I must have been missing the small signs. But, I did not want to confuse kindness for a sign she is willing to work towards R. I do take into consideration that she is now comfortable around me now.

Caveat: If I had to describe her attitude towards me, it would be of a person who is content. I do not see any emotional struggle with her decision.(Might be because she doesn't see or feel any consequences for her decision.)She treats me a level below of being a friend. I am not called for anything else except for when it comes to the kids.

I read DB and DR on the 6 month of our separation. We are now on month 7 months. Some principles I did not apply for it would have required for me to break the rules. Its hard to know what works because I do not really see any changes in her, but I do notice the changes in me.