MOVING UP MOVING ON

[Ambivalent]

This story is long and may not be easy to follow. I'm writing it down for I am ashamed and concerned.

He has lived with a woman , Rebecca, during and through his divorce. He was separated from his wife and she no longer wanted anything to do with him for serious financial reasons, and I also believe adultery.
He moved in with Rebecca , back in May of 2013. John lived with her until July of 2014. His divorce was October of 2013.
This woman is a professional and realized after he moved in that he was a mistake. January of 2014 we met and started dating. He was on OK as you all know. I don't know how many other women with whom he was involved. Around April / May of 2014 he knew he needed to find another place to live. He had been told on several occasions by Rebecca that he needed to find a place .

He was grooming Jennifer, and Jennifer was a great catch. She believed to truly " know " a man you must live with them. She was into "swinging" and not the kind I do. She did not know about Rebecca nor myself. John moved in with her , kept seeing me, and still was on OK.

She found out about me months ago and kicked him out. Due to working for whom she works, they do checks on vehicles. J. used her SUV to pick me up and drive to Gore. They had done a check at the time, and questioned her. Busted. He confessed and said he was in a " pickle " with me. He didn't want to hurt me, because of the situation I was in. It fits the timeline , where he was pulling away and I felt something was off. He couldn't quit me, but he tried not to have sex with me.

He wooed her back and she relented. From that point on she used a condom. She just recently found out about me, and called me yesterday morning. I had lunch with her, she treated and then I followed her back to the house. It was good for me, today, but not yesterday.

I saw his texts, his office, hers really. I sat in stunned silence as she went on the computer. Later, she called Rebecca and she came over. Both of them shared stories , timelines, similarities and differences. He lived rent free, and never paid anything for utilities or groceries. He was parasitic. He and J. had swinging interludes and I was , well you guys already know.

Rebecca knew he had money in a briefcase and she found the bag. In it was quite a bit of money. She divided it up and said it was for all the lies he told, rent he didn't pay and groceries he didn't pay. I accepted the third of the money.

I drove home last night around ten, I believe. I called my girlfriend in NH and told her everything. I was okay until I admitted the last part, and then I fell to pieces. I felt such shame, guilt, and disgrace. I can not nor could not believe what I'd done.

Earlier that evening while all the disclosure was going on, he was texting both Jen. and myself. She shared everything and I stayed silent.

Later that eve. He texted again and I called him back. I was completely upfront about everything and we talked for two 1/2 hours. I finally had to get off the phone, for I was in tears. He texted me it was not my fault, it was all his. To sleep well, to know my next exam will go well... he is smooth.

This morning I awoke with shame and guilt. I got rid of the money. I gave it to a military veteran charity ( WWP ). I texted him about an hour ago, and let him know what I did, and that if he was sincere in really doing better, he MUST go get professional help. He apologized and asked me for the money. I told him everything, and that I no longer had anything material nor emotional to give.

I let him know that I had informed three of my closest friends of this whole past year. I had taken a photo of his license plate, the first time I went with him in his car for safety reasons. I let him know how much I was hurt and how I was feeling. I shared that I need to move on and heal; to please respect my boundary and no longer contact me.

I am horrified , ashamed , guilty for allowing myself to do what I did. I still have feelings, emotional and sexual and I'm truly grappling to get control over those.

I feel as if the last 18 months have been the most bazaar of my life. I see how I got here, and I strongly dislike it. I'm exhausted for I was up til three on the phone with John, and then the two other women were up for their jobs and texting us at four-six a.m. I was reading them but not interacting.

I for some strange reason, don't hate this guy. After all the reading , I feel such sorrow for his family, him, the other women, and yes, me. I feel such incredible pain. My gut again is in knots and I feel sick to my stomach! The weird thing is it also fascinates me. The whole deviant behavior.

I am one confused and let's face it... screwed up pup! I need to focus on my boards and try and work. I am SO depressed. I will up my Zoloft again.

I just feel miserable and kind of scared too! I'll go bawl in the shower in a few.