Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[HPoirot]

First a question, have you watched the movie I suggested to you? Kind of a willingness check to me to see if you actually follow through with suggestions when you believe you would do anything to fix this situation. Particularly for your S12.

I'm going to hit you with some points now;

You need to learn the difference between spew and conversation. Sometimes your W spews at you and you engage it as conversation.

S12 is old enough to have conversations with his mother without you in earshot. Let them have their conversations privately and only get involved if S12 comes to you because he needs your help in it. It tends to come off as manipulative listening to and quoting your sons back and forth with his mom.

You do not have to give her road maps to your reactions and behaviors. She doesn't need to know you are going to limit your talking to her. She will figure that out.

You don't need a moderator, she does. Are you filing? Until it is you ending your marriage you don't need to do jack [censored] as far as moderating your marriage goes.

If she wants family therapy, let her set it up and you attend when she tells you where to be, that simple.

Lastly, this: "I have to do whatever I can to make W's plans work regarding him." ..... You need to change that statement to "I have to do whatever I can to take care of and protect S12" Don't make it a battle about your ex, make it about your S12's well being.

Once again, see that movie I suggested and learn a bit about how to be the best dad you can to your child.

HP, you have to remove yourself from the drama in order to become drama free. there is way to much interaction and way to much conversation occurring right now that is not in line with what you are trying to do. Release the chains a bit and step outside yourself to see where you are trying to manipulate the situation. It's there, and you are aware of it, you just are so flustered and your brain is moving so fast that you cannot focus on it and fix it. Slow the hamster wheel in your brain down long enough to see the real problems.


Ian

Hello Ian. Thank you for your guidance. I have Courageous rented and will watch it tonight.

Agree on all your points.

Yes I must stay out of S12's conversations with his mom. I do tell W about the struggles S12 has b/c I want her to see the impact of what she's doing. I see that is manipulation from me and pressure on him. He can get to the point where he can talk with his mom if he wants to on his own. It has to be about his well being, you're right of course.

No more telling her boundaries. No more engaging her spew. Just "I'm hanging up the phone now" and then do it.

Slowing down. OK.

Even though I say I'm moving on and want to... I am stuck on the wanting our R to renew. So I did get sucked into those 2 R talks were I was still trying to talk logic to her and tell her my side. She strangely (to me) seems happy to have these talks which wrongly opens me up to hope that we can talk this through. so I just keep talking without thinking which is very bad.

So you're right and I'm releasing the chains.