Maybell XXVII

[Maybell]

Quick recap of last week's meeting:

We spent 20 minutes or so talking in a very friendly, natural way about the kids. It was like being on a date.

Then he said, well, what do you want to talk about? I said, you called this meeting, I'm here to listen. He sighed and said, Fair enough.

Then he started talking about getting the process going. Said he'd seen a lawyer and wanted to move things forward. I said, will you please be straightforward with me? He mumbled, really low, "I want a divorce." I said, OK, that's fine.

I'm sure that wasn't the best way to agree with him, but it was the best I could do in the moment.

He said, I don't see anyway back for us. I don't know what to try anymore. I thought, I do know some things we could try... but is it worth the effort? So I said, Did you cheat on me before OW?

He said, No.
I said, are you really, really sure about that?
He said, I didn't.
I said, You never did anything inappropriate with any woman before OW?
He said, Well, I had a couple of one night stands when I was traveling.

So I said, no I don't see a path back for us either.

I don't remember what was said to transition out of that topic.

He said next, It would be really great if we could sell the house by the summer. I said that I absolutely wasn't going to live through keeping a house walk-through ready while it was on the market, especially since he chose it and closed on it knowing he was having an affair. I said I was not physically capable of making that effort now that I'm working full time. He bumbled around some things that could be done to reduce the impact of that on me. I didn't really say anything. I'm the one living in the house, with my lawyer I will be the one to decide how to cope with that. I have some thoughts.

He said he wanted to keep things friendly, I said that would be best for everyone.

At some point, I asked if I could have done anything to have changed his trajectory and he said no.

He cried kind of a lot and I did too, but in a controlled, leaky way, not in a BD kind of way.

We talked about the kids. He asked me to make them reply to his texts. I said no, that was his to fix. He said OK.

I can't remember exactly how we filled out the rest of the time. We talked for a total of two hours. We agreed to meet monthly to discuss the kids.

I asked him if he was planning on staying in his apartment. He said yes, why? I said that the kids might do better with him if his place felt more like home to them. He thought about it, I saw his defensive look cross his face, and then he said, "It's a real pain to move." I said, OK.

At the end I said I was sorry we'd ended this way, that I'd married him for a reason and this wasn't what I'd hoped for from us. He said, "Ditto." I said, Could you please say the words? He mumbled out that he'd married me for a reason too, and then he showered me with compliments, and then he started crying kind of hard and AND I"M SORRY. I said "I believe you." Then we left.

I do think he's sorry. I do think he sees what he let get away. But he also IS the person who expects me to move and sell the house for his convenience while being unwilling himself to move for the improvement of his relationship with his kids. He thinks effort is for other people. That's the person he's always been. When we married, it worked, because things came to him effortlessly. Now he's just That Guy. The one who doesn't even think one night stands with random strangers are relevant to his wife.

I can do better, even if better is just me. I feel really surrounded by people who care about me, think about me, want good things for me. I realized the other night that I'd treated myself as invisible. Like people don't think about me or care about me unless I'm right in front of them. But that's not true at all. People do think about me and I see evidence that I matter. Many of them are even willing to do something to help me get good things.

And there is the little matter that I don't want my kids to think that people don't think of them. I don't want them to feel invisible. Each of us is worth effort.

Now I've got to run, but I feel strong. I'm going to have a good day and a GREAT weekend. All is well.