Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[HPoirot]

Thanks you Jan, TLEE, and claire. Woke up this morning shaking my head about this whole thing. I've imagined a life without my W many times in my M. She has been difficult to live with in the past... not supportive and easy to give up in the face of challenges. I know now that I should have been the one to reach for her and support our M instead of waiting for her to be friendly again. That was my pattern... waiting for her to change without me changing.

So she's done waiting for changes and is very angry. I can't keep putting mental energy into managing her outbursts. So yes friendly in our required interactions helps me and I'll do it. I agree TLEE about too much of that... but more for me b/c self-respect. I choose to stop caring about giving her reasons to change her actions.

Whatever is in her head... she curses me and yells at her son and says she doesn't feel she's ruining anyone's life. Then she cries when I ask her how S12 is doing. It's too much for me to be exposed to everyday. She doesn't seem to understand how dealing with her could be painful. It's going to take a long time for her anger and sadness around us to fade.

So I want to detach from her ASAP so her emotions slide off me for real. Not just keep her and her moods away with anger or boundaries. All this other stuff... managing her emotions, giving her reasons, etc... is games.

And I can detach. The ADs must be kicking it b/c I've felt pretty even the past couple days. I have not cried in days. Even after that last bad R talk... I did not feel crushed.

I'm starting to really look at my dead M and what she's been missing. I see I have a ways to go to be the man she would care to start a new R with. I have to really change... not play games.

And it starts with S12. He has to be fine through this. I have to do whatever I can to make W's plans work regarding him.

Just keep going.