Devastated Husband; Need Advice...Part 2

[TLEE86]

Ok, but do you really? Or are you just going through the motions? Because I'm going to be honest, I don't get the impression that you DO have genuine faith in her that she can do well.

I have genuine absolute 100% faith that she can do well. She is incredibly smart but does not give herself enough credit. What I get frustrated at is that she is so indecisive that she never commits to anything long enough to even give it a chance to prove she can do well. Just had an insight. W has always known that she is pretty and can get whatever she wants with appearances. She doubts her own intelligence. It is no surprise now, that she takes compliments about her intellect/mind more heartily than compliments about her looks because that is where she lacks self-esteem

How old was your W when she entered her first M? She's super, super young. Was she ever on her own before M? It sounds like in her life, she went from being someones daughter, to someones wife to someone elses wife, and never had the opportunity to be herself. She's always been something to someone else, and never herself.This my be why she's suddenly out there trying to do this on her own, and when it's hard, looking back to you for guidance, because she's always had someone to fall back on - at least it sounds like.

Hit the nail on the head C. W was 18 when she entered her first M. She went from her moms house, to first M, to me. She has said this multiple times. This journey she is on is just as much about finding herself as it is about our M issues.

Why did you get married to your W? Honestly? What about her made you want to enter into a legal/spiritual/romantic commitment with her? What were your expectations of her as a wife? As a person?

I can't help but wonder what it is that you want in a partner? Because I'm getting mixed signals. It sounds like you want someone who embodies the "traditional" roles in a marriage. But on the other hand, it sounds like you want someone you respect, and I don't get the impression from your posts that you respect your wife and her choices,

You didnt come off as a dick. Im glad you said what you said. Very VERY thoughtful question. I married my W because she is everything I am not. And she embodies what I want to be. Don't care about what other people think of you, only how you think of yourself. Personality wise, she is almost a polar opposite of me and I fell in love with that. She is spontaneous, I am very methodical. She is impulsive, I overthink things. She is the life of the party, I am an introvert. I admire her personality. She lives her life very carefree and always just seemed very upbeat and happy. I made myself miserable because I overthink things and over analyze everything. It was so refreshing to see someone who "made their own happy." And that rubbed off on me. More importantly, I married her because I knew that there is no one else out there that could humble me, where I would do anything for her, give up my stuff for her so she could be happy. This is why I failed. Because I stopped doing this. It is no surprise she thought I was a different person.

I do want the traditional roles in a marriage. What I wanted in a partner was someone who put our relationship above everything else, to show me that WE were the most important thing. Not necessarily put my happiness above hers, but put our M first, and everything else second. Someone who I knew that I would do the same for. Again, I just failed for a year.

Sometimes, I wonder if you've thought that you were better than your W because of your accomplishments. And sometimes I wonder if your W can live up to the expectations you have (whatever they may be).

Not going to lie, this comment bothered me. Not necessarily because of what was said, but because you've said this before. And I don't think this at all. In anyway. Screw my accomplishments, they are not that great to begin with. I don't know why or how I am coming off like I think I am better then my W. If you think this, she must too. Please tell me HOW you are getting this. I don't think it at all. She is a better, more selfless, respectful and all in all a good person. I am not nearly as considerate or thoughtful as she is, not just in the M, but just as a person overall. I sincerely respect how selfless and considerate she is in everything. Again, I admire this part of her personality and I can only wish I was like that.

But are you doing them because you want the M to work? Or are you doing them because you've identified that you truly need to change? If your W told you she wasn't coming back, ever. Would you still be supportive to her emotionally? Or would you cut off communication?

This isn't a fair question. I am doing it for both. Because I know I truly need to change. I have certain qualities that I am not proud of at all. And I told her these qualities (temper/anger) when we met. And I am still fighting to change it. But obviously I also want the M to work. If you are asking if I am solely doing it just to make the M work, I am not. Because my W has told me once, when she first left, that she would never come back and we are getting a D. Even though she is "not sure what she wants now" and D is not being discussed, I still am trying to change, because I hated those qualities about myself and I want to get rid of them. But again, obviously I want the M to work.

If your W were to come back, I think she truly needs to find herself. I think you need to find yourself. My question is, do you love her enough to let her do that? Are you patient enough to work on yourself? Or are you going to be give it up because she's not home where you want her to be? This all ties into my above question. Do you want a "wife" or do you want a life partner?

I want my W to be my life partner. I do not just want someone to fill the roles of a W and play house with me. I want my W to be my life partner. Again, I fully agree that she needs to find herself, and I need to keep working on myself. NO, i am not going to give it up because she is not home right now. If I ever say I am, I am lying to myself.

The bolded above usually earned me some spew from stbxw, along the lines of:

- I'm not her
- I don't have her history
- I couldn't possibly understand fully because of the above
- and I have that "Y" chromosome

And she was right.

She "heard" it as patronizing. Parental.

And she was right.

TSquared. I agree. I actually feel really uncomfortable telling her I understand stuff because I am not in her shoes. I understand some of it, like working long hours, but I do not truly understand what she is feeling. I think instead of saying I understand, I will just validate her and empathize with her. Because THAT I get. I get why she is feeling the way she does, and why she is stressed.
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C, Tsquared, thanks for your responses. Gave me something to really think about, and I am going to think about them some more, post my thoughts a little later.