Jefe - Climbing out of the mire - #8

[PeterV2]

I found it: (on stacey9's threads from Sept 13, 2014) I'll reverse the genders to make it more relevant...

I've been doing some work with a marriage reconciliation coach whom I found prior to finding this site. The advice he has given me may be helpful to you, so I'll pass it on. He gave me two methods of reattraction.

1) agreement (in a very specific way) for example: you say "the weather is nice today" and I DONT say "I agree" and I DONT repeat your statement by saying "yeah, the weather really is nice today". I choose one point from your statement that I agree with and say something like "yeah, the sun is shining bright today." The coach is a psychologist with 20 years of reconciliation experience. He said that if I use the first two methods of agreement too frequently it will seem as if I'm just trying to be agreeable all the time, however, if I use the third method I will be agreeing in a way that she will subconsciously pick up on. For her to be attracted to you, she had to feel like you're on her team. No matter what she says, you can always find a way to be agreeable without agreeing to something you don't agree with. An example would be "having kids is horrible" "yeah, they can be very challenging". It's true, kids can be very challenging, but you didn't say they are horrible. Allowing her to feel that you're on her side will help her to become more comfortable around you and to let her guard down. That will open the door for connection.

2) empathy. That one is rather self explanatory.

He told me that those two tools are among the best things you can do to help her start to open back up to you. Other than the rules that have already been expressed to you on this site, which he also gave me. Once she starts contacting you when she doesn't have to, you'll know you've made progress ...but never outdo what she's doing. If she contacts you for "non-business" reasons 3 times in one week, you contact her for non-business reasons no more than 3 times a week. Let her set the pace. If she gives you a high five, you don't get to hug her. If you go faster than her, she'll feel like you're not on her team anymore and you'll back track.

Words of wisdom. It actually came from jp?something, not stacey9 but regardless of the source, it's worth repeating.