Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[HPoirot]

So I'm thinking of doing the February Essential Experience Workshop.

Good for you. I have heard 25 yrs praise it highly.

I do hope you can find balance, HP. I agree that your anger is eating up most of your energy and the inconsistency keeps you frustrated.

I do have a suggestion, however. In these contacts with your W, you do not have to contend with her verbal disrespect. As soon as she starts raising her voice, or says something to cause your anger to rise, interrupt and say, "I am going to hang up now". It takes two to fight, so if you can be strong enough to listen to warning sirens blowing.......you can end it in it's tracks. Don't slam the phone down, but tell her you are ending the call and then put the receiver down. As much as she craves conversation with you, she will eventually learn she can scream and curse at you or you will end it.

I have noticed when she has a call from S12 that isn't to her liking, she immediately calls you and vents her anger or frustration. Usually, you are as upset as your son with her, so it doesn't end well. Perhaps you could address this with her (when the timing is good) and ask if she will agree not to call you immediately following an upsetting talk with her son. Present it as a better co-parenting skill, or a better communicating relationship between the two of you......or whatever, but it is clearly a bad habit she's forming that needs to stop. Even scheduling a set time once a week to discuss all her concerns with S12 would seem better, b/c it would give both of you time to settle down.
However, even as I write this, I really doubt she could stick to not texting of some alternative to calling.

Hello Sandi. Yes it was the verbal disrespect that started me off last night. She started cursing me again. I hung up... but then I called her back and asked her where this angry cursing was coming from. In all our M she's never spoken like that to me. It's only been since my not letting her in the condo that she's started that. But yes that led to more yelling and then the terrible R talk. Backsliding.

I'm tired of this anger from both of us. My idea today to just completely shut down communication seemed to promise to make that worse. Immediately after I told her I'd only accept emergency calls, she called and texted me. All the ended in an angry email.

One friendly but not friends phone call changed the dynamic today.

So you said this in an earlier post...

HP, you can reach that level of calmness that will allow you to deal with the irritations of your W. I still believe she is wanting to get her needs met through both you and OM. She wants your friendship, conversational relationship, and family events. If you can settle for that without any expectations.......that is your decision to make. Some people, including MWD, believe in being friends with the WAS. However, she says in Divorce Remedy that if the S refuses to end their A, to get a lawyer and file. So the way I interpreted much of her advice was not applicable when the wayward spouse simply refused to end their A. But it is the personal decision of the individual as the length of time they endure the infidelity.

It's not like I have to endure anything as I've separated from her. It's up to her to file although she seems to think I'm going to.

I've told her I let her go... I'm moving forward. That sent her in a little panic today before I was friendly with her.

Like you said... she still places a high value on me treating her nicely and talking with her. I believe she would love to come over to the condo to see S12 and watch TV with us like she used to.

So, if I, like you say, settle for occasional friendship, conversational relationship, and family events without any expectations while just being friendly but not friends about it... does that help me grow and help my R goal? That seems to go with what DB Coach Chuck said. Slowly create more emotional connection as that is what she really wants.

My doing the hardline LRT/NC has been hard on all of us with my anger/irritation over her texting and changing schedules and her sadness/anger/cursing over her transition failure. I think I've had only 1 full day where I have not heard from her so that's fail.

And yes I like your idea about talking about S12 weekly. As I'm going with him to the IC sessions, maybe she and I can do a weekly call about progress. More growth for me then.

So then...

I'm calm, confident, and authentic. That means I care about my son's welfare and want him to have a good relationship with his mom and to be ok in this "transition" of hers. I'm accepting her transition so I'm partnering with W on IC and S12 discussions.

At the same time, I'm having a revelation that I'm enjoying my single life. I'm GALing... dressing better... looking attractive... moving forward. I have no problem talking with W when she needs to talk but I'm brief and purposeful b/c she's only a co-worker.

Every now and then, for S12, I say "We're doing X... care to join us?" I accept her and focus on the moment and let it go. No expectations.

Something like that.

No problem.