MLC? Let it Be.

[LiveNow]

Sorry -- this is LONG.

Ok, wow, been a LONG time since I posted (almost 2 months!). A LOT has happened. The good: I am GAL'ing a lot -- so much so that I'm starting to think I need to cut back! And, here is the best part: I'm actually starting to ENJOY it. By nature, I am quite an introvert. Got VERY out of practice in meeting new people, trying new things. But I think I have it down pat now. Joined 3 Meetups - what a great way to get out and meet people with your same interests - signed up for a communication class, starting mentoring (my mentee is a wonderful 15-year-old girl), going to yoga, running, and I fired my counselor - looking for a new one. And all this happened in the last couple of months! Yay, me. Whew. Boy, was I glad to see 2014 go. Never want to have another year like that one, nor 2013.

18 months past BD, and I am finally, finally starting to feel like myself again. This 'self' is the self I remember from before I met H, over 23 years ago. A strong, independent, resourceful person, able to handle crap on her own, whatever it is.

That being said, here is the bad: H filed in mid-November, and we are now just past the 60-day waiting period in my state (if there are no kids), so the D can be finalized anytime. We had one mediation meeting, yesterday afternoon, and H seems h3ll-bent on getting this completed by Jan. 26th, court date for settlement conference, about 10 days away. (BTW, resourceful friend found court records of OW filing this past September, with final court dates in March and April of this year.)

A very interesting mediation meeting. He mentioned mediation in August 2013 - yes 2013 - and I've been dreading actually having a conversation about how to divide our assets ever since. Well, I was very prepared for this meeting, mentally/emotionally and with all necessary figures and papers in hand (thanks, Nitty - I struck a couple of 'power poses' too, beforehand!), and he was just about as UNprepared as he could possibly be -- this after 18 months of saying he wanted a D. W-T-F. I have just one word for this: FOG. He is still deep in it, and convinced that D is the key to his happiness. After 18 months, he hadn't even sat down and done ANY of the math required to figure out whether he could actually afford to do what he wanted (buy me out of the house, NOT pay any spousal support or split his pension, keep a piece of vacant property). It became very clear in the mediation that we likely have to sell everything in order to split everything 50-50.

The ugly: I came to that meeting with a comprehensive financial report with everything in it, and a pad of paper, and a pen, and he came with NOTHING. He had a huge long list of things he needed to do as a result of the meeting, according to the mediator, and he didn't write down a single thing. This is a smart man, who (normally) has alot of common sense too. I was flabbergasted. But, maybe I should not have been. MLC still in full force without a doubt. And I give him several chances to bring up his pension, but he didn't, so I had to. But, he wasn't even upset about it. I think he is carrying around a tremendous amount of guilt, and is in a frame of mind where he is willing to give me whatever I'm asking just to end this. Ok then -- I'll TAKE IT.

Anyway, now that the elephant in the room has been acknowledged, I think we can figure everything out the rest of the way without the mediator. But I think the mediator HAD to be the one to explain it to H that he can't possibly afford everything he wants out of this. He would never have listened to ME say it. Ah - validation. It was worth the $400 for the 2 lousy hours of mediation. Whatevs.

So, moral of the story is: I HAD to let it happen, finally. I had no other choice. I do believe he will see someday that it wasn't me 'making him unhappy' -- only himself. He created his own life, he made this mess for himself. When he left the meeting yesterday, he looked terrible - sad and utterly 'defeated.' I felt SORRY for him. I did not feel good about how it went because it does not make me feel good taking money from him - because I can take care of mySELF, dangit - but I did what I had to do. I am asking only for that which I am entitled to by law. That's it. I could take much more if I wanted to! But I'm not. I was proud of myself for getting through it without falling apart, though.

More good: he IS finally seeing a counselor, weekly. Thank God. I have the paperwork to prove it. He's a Christian counselor and H actually said he likes him - imagine that. I truly hope this person helps him. I do. It's too late for us, but not for him alone. Thing is, H filed for D the DAY BEFORE he began seeing the counselor. I believe he thought the counselor was going to try and convince him to stay in the marriage. Again, whatevs.

I will do what I have to do, and only that. I'm making him do all the rest of the work for the D. I am cooperating, but that's it. It's all I can do. It's enough. I've had enough, and it's time for ME to move on now. He 'moved on' over a year ago. Not saying that I would NEVER go back (he'd literally have to grovel and beg, etc., etc. - and even then I have no idea whether I'd be able to take him back, maybe not). Never say never. But for now, I'm planning my own future. That's the way it has to be. I don't see hiding out and giving up on my life as an option. My 'survival instinct' kicked in the minute the bomb dropped. The hard work has finally begun to pay off.

Here's hoping all of you struggling to find your footing - and scared to just 'let it happen' - will find the courage to let go, and leave them to their journey. A VERY hard thing to do - and some days I backtrack - but we must do it.

Been following many of you, and learning much from you all, especially Mighty, Matt, Cali, Gwen, LT, Goat Gal, and others. Will make some time in between GAL'ing to post soon! By the way, where the heck IS our Goat Gal these days anyway???