My waking nightmare

[Lorelai]

Anyone out there who can weigh in would be much appreciated. Been doing some DB-type behaviors, but also incorporating some things my DB coach said which was to try to do whatever it was I was doing on Christmas that made H want to stay the night and watch a movie. So I've been being nice and appreciative and while I've been trying to play it cool, I've also been open about the fact that I am standing for this marriage—not pushy—just clear that I'm not helping get us divorced. Just an example: when I took the tree down I got out all the pictures and things I had stored away to make room for the holiday decor, including a large tabletop wedding photo. When I was putting everything back out I thought about leaving the wedding photo stored and any other photos of us but said what the heck we're still married and put them back out and also added a couple of other photos, such as a really cute one I found from our honeymoon. The pictures look lovely the way I've displayed them. I'm not going to take them down to try to prove anything or stress that I've "moved on." I am GALing but only for myself and things that I'm interested in. I guess basically what I'm saying is I WANT to save my marriage and while I'm doing my best not to fall apart in the process and stay strong, I'm not going to hide that fact from H.
So here's the lowdown:
- On the phone with H last night, I honestly can't remember what I was talking about (I think the conversation started as just about schedule changes and logistics, but I said something along the lines of "I just want us to heal." He said "I have some ideas." I of course immediately pressed and he said "not right now."
- H came over this morning while I went to a breakfast meeting with a client then a parent teacher conference. I lost my keys as I was heading out the door and got really flustered. He did give me a sort of "see, this is what I mean about you" type of attitude. Not my best moment, but I'm trying not to beat myself up about it.
-Got home tonight and H asked how the meeting went. Then he asked me about how much money I bring in a month (I freelance/contract). I felt myself get nervous (IS HE ASKING SO HE CAN SEE IF IT'S OK TO MOVE FORWARD WITH A D?) and then I said, you know it varies, around $xxx. why? He said I'm just trying to see how much money we're brining in, that's all. He did mention during a very non-db talk I had with him on New Year's Day that he wanted me to get a full-time job and I believe this is so he can divorce me. I'm looking for a full-time job either way and I just found out my school district is implementing all-day kindergarten next year (whoo-hoo!) so that will make things a lot easier daycare-wise.
-Pretty sure my H still wants to divorce me, but he's on the fence for a lot of reasons. DB coach said people sometimes have to wait more than a year to reconcile. I said I can't do that and she said everyone feels that way at first. Marathon not a sprint is what I hear around these parts.
-Having minor surgery tomorrow. H is keeping the kids at MILs while I recover at home. It really is no big deal, just a one-day recovery. Actually had a colleague who didn't know we were S say "You're going to be alone at your house?" I was so embarrassed. I didn't know what to say.
-I take these things as good signs: H still wears his ring and he hasn't filed or taken any legal action.
Thanks for stopping by!