Mozza (7) + Links to success stories

[Mozza]

Thank you LisaB. How I wish that my mom was here, holding me in her arms and telling me what you just wrote...

Everyone is telling me: she knows I still love her and I don't want to D. She knows. I'm grasping at straws because I have this urge to tell her. But the fact is that, in the moments where I realize that she knows, I actually don't want her to know! I don't want to give her the comfort of knowing she can come back if it doesn't work out without me. I understand that DB is about making her doubt and wonder. It's about making her want what she can't have. So no, she's not trying to make me say I still love her, and even if she does, I don't want to say it. Let her doubt it, let her want me to say "I love you". It would be quite a change. I really wish my heart would get over it and let me DB properly. At least, I control my moves and all she sees is DB.

You're right LisaB, she must hurt and have doubts. She must know she hurt me bad, and likely the kids to some extent. She was afraid I would leave her, she would ask me to profess my commitment, she'd tell me she was afraid I would die. And then she left. She must know how it hurts. When they say that D is one of the most stressful life experience, it also applies to the WAS.

Look, she just moved in with OM, right? I'm sure he is giving her an earful about her "still being married". Not only that but she said she wants to go back to her country, so probably is thinking she wants to be officially divorced before that happens. I wouldn't worry too much about this coming so quickly. It makes sense for her to want this NOW. I'd let her go ahead with the process and I bet in a few months she doubts her decision.

Yes. This is just now. In a way, she's helping me DB. This request is a shock for me because I realize that I had bet on the fact that she didn't mention D. She had even refused to discuss it during the S talks when I brought it up. So I had put hope in this, that she knew she was just making a crazy experiment. But now, the D word is out there and I see she is driving the M towards the ravine, Thelma & Louise style. Time to jump off the M.

I know I don't look like it today, but I have moments where I realize what MWD says about D: it's just paper. M, as an institution, never meant much to my W and I. We got married quickly, for visa-related reasons (though we did our best to make it romantic, at 3 weeks notice). I cling to it now because it serves my purpose. But the reality of our R has always been between us. And this is not going anywhere because of D.

Stockdale paradox: absolute faith that I will prevail coupled with ruthless actions to address the situation at hand.