Married fast? Too late? Completely stuck :/

[Complex]

I moved board too, to get a better and fresh discussion regarding the EA.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2526283#Post2526283

[Mozza]

My whole body is in pain...

I don't know what to tell you on this. If my experience is any guide, you're in for a lot of pain until you begin to digest it. Personally, it woke me about at night for close to two months and now, getting to four months, I start to feel more indifferent about it. It appears to be a question of personality. Some people digest it faster than others. Some people obsess and get angry, others very sad. Some obsess about certain parts of the A (emotions, sex, kids, happiness). So don't look at others for the kind of reaction you should have, just feel what you're going through, but don't let it absorb you entirely. This is your challenge.

Feel free to describe here how you feel, and how you process these emotions. Find an outlet. Make sure you don't end up blurting out the wrong stuff to your W.

By the way, there's a section about infidelity towards the end of DR. Have you received the book?

[Complex]

Book is on the way.
I feel in a way I can hardly describe. She lied to me all the way and justifies her actions through that our marriage failed already, so it is fine to do whatever. She only didn't get physical because we are still officially married.

My stomach hurts, my life basically came to complete stop. I don't see a future. I have suicide thoughts, but I am not going to do that, I have too much responsibility for the people that love me and maybe I have another life to live or maybe my marriage has another chance, but it is far far away. All hope got crushed. The messages are going through my mind. What he said, calling her "gorgeous" and how they were bonding. Then she calls him a good guy, you got to be kidding...
I am in the deepest whole ever...I just want to skip the next few weeks and months...

[Starsky309]

What GOOD does it do? It helps him discern the TRUTH of what's going on, so he can make his decisions accordingly.


Starsky

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Complex,

I'm so sorry you are here, but this is the best place to be, for a sad reason. Also, despite your screen name, I don't think you'll find that your situation is too complex, in the following way.

Even though each situation is unique, there are several common themes. That's why many people will relate to your situation. I'm just trying to say, Div Busting CAN help you, even if you think it's "too complex" or "too little, too late."

But remember this. Divorce Busting SOUNDS as if it's all about saving your marriage. But it's not.

We find that if you save yourself, first, you might be able to save the marriage too. And if not, you as an individual will still be much better off.

And without saving yourself, (being authentic, strong, healthy, etc) you won't save this marriage or any other. So, first things first.

Let's take care of YOU.

Holy ....

My wife goes showering. She accidentally left her phone. Since she told me she doesn't text him on whatsapp I look at her regular texts.....and I find everything!!!!

Some people find this^^ helpful, I'm not one of them. But if you are, then so be it. See, I don't get the obsession about an affair b/c you already knew she wanted out and seemed resolute.

Here's the thing. If you KNOW that an affair is an absolute deal breaker for you, then by all means, you should snoop and verify and then leave...

With this^^ exception, Div Busting does NOT support snooping. In other words, if you wanted to work on the marriage, regardless of whether she is having an affair, then why bother finding out the gory details?

To ME, it seems like a lot of needlessly painful gross...stuff. blech!

But if you are the type who wants "all of it out there" and it's not to shame or punish her, (which will FAIL) but just to....know, then I can only hope you have a strong stomach and won't feel even worse.

No matter what you discover, though, know that you really will be alright. You really will survive this. Life really will get better for you.


She was texting him everyday. They have an EA. It's not physical regarding to the texts. But it's very clear they are flirting heavy.

She came to get her phone and I didnt even pretend...she saw me with it and it all blew up.

I'm shaking. What should I do???

I'll post more a little later....

[25yearsmlc]

What GOOD does it do? It helps him discern the TRUTH of what's going on, so he can make his decisions accordingly.


Starsky

Starsky, I get that ^^ IF he's going to make the decisions "accordingly".

See If it were me, at this point in my life and with my kids all older, yeah, I'd want to know.

But that's b/c my m is in a place where I'd be shocked to learn of an A. If there were one going on,

and MY perceptions were that OFF (or h was that great of an actor)

THEN my decisions would alter greatly.

I'd be done, and I would not look back. That may sound weird for a DBer.

Here's the paradox of Div Busting... In one respect, it is a way of life and one must always be "awake" in a relationship. I will always treasure that lesson, and the identification of unhealthy co-dependence and anger and resentment AND what it teaches and promotes about forgiveness...

But in another way, for me, it's a one time deal. (I think you know what I mean).

So sure, IF Complex were going to behave differently at all, based on this new info, then figure it out.

But if HIS course is the same, then really what is the point?

And finally, despite DB books saying "don't snoop unless", and despite what I just said,

I DO understand the desire to "know". I'm not sure how "right" or valuable it is, but it is a reality for many.

I believe it's just a uniquely personal choice. Okay Sorry I'm rambling.

I think my real question would be aimed at those who do NOT think an A is a definite deal breaker. (Starsky feel free to answer as well, I'm just ruminating)

So For Complex, and or for those who believe they have their own work to do, and want to do it, AND OR

believe that the affair was a symptom and not a cause of marital discord....

What is it you are looking FOR, when snooping? What is the goal, and what, if anything, would change?